The night before last, I pulled out my little meditation book on the 72 Names of God and just skimmed through the entries...one caught my eye. To lead up to why this one caught my eye, let me give you some background to make the impact a bit more poignant...
About 20 years ago, give or take a year, when I was thinking that I was weird because I'd never had a boyfriend, or that I thought I never would (Now I don't care if I ever do...time heals it seems. ;) ) Anyway, things just made me feel like I didn't belong in this world. I had no real vocation, no real dreams other than writing and even that was more hobby than something I wanted to focus on as a career. I was in such despair one Saturday that I wanted to end it. I mean really end it. In sobbing tears I planned out my suicide note, how I was going to do it. I couldn't stop sobbing. For hours I sat on the couch and begged God to give me some reason to go on. Doubled over in emotional pain I went to the bathroom to splash cold water over my swollen eyes. I needed to go to the store and get the pills and booze. As I was bent over the sink I heard in my spirit God's distinct inner voice speaking. He said: "If you kill yourself, you'll never know the blessings I have for you down the road of your life."
That stopped me. I literally crawled out of the bathroom back to the couch in the living room and plopped down, emotionally spent, still uncertain, but with an ounce of hope that my life was meant for something.
Now I have an inside joke going on with God. I tell him, "You didn't want me to kill myself back then...you promised blessings to be discovered. You can't have me now...not when those blessing are making themselves known in such a powerful way." Every day now I say; "You didn't want me then, you can't have me now." LOL!
And thus I come to the entry I found...
"Diamond In The Rough..."
I have the power to transform all of my hardships into beauty and strength.
I will get into a positive head space, knowing that from there, anything is possible.
The challenges that lie before me are there for a reason,
and the Light will allow me to learn from them and grow--
I become my potential.
All the blessings that are already mine will bring even more fulfillment and joy.
My soul's longings will be answered
and my "negative" situations will turn beautiful.
(Emphasis mine)
During a meditation that my friend Julie led me on, I was given a sword in my mind. She wanted me to name it. The second she asked me to do that, birds started singing outside my window. Lots of them, chirping loudly. I said, "Birdsong". The sword was thus christened. Yesterday, in preparing documents to be archived at work, I stumbled upon the last name of a student I'd seen a few days ago: "Birdsong." I kid you not. I stared at that name for about a minute. Of all last names to have and I stumble upon it twice in a week: "Birdsong."
In my mind I took my sword and stabbed at my cancer killing it, telling it to get the hell out of my body. I picked up my meditation book and wanted to find the above entry once again. I didn't have far to look. I immediately opened up to it without any searching. I read it again, felt the comfort, the joy.
In an earlier entry I posted about Led Zeppelin's song: "Achilles Last Stand", the song in which Jimmy's guitar solo is used by me to attack the tumor and destroy it. It's a song that is NEVER played on the radio. I've NEVER heard it played on my classic rock stations. Yesterday, as I was listening to a station here called "The Sound", they began a week of music A-Z at 3:00. At 3:14 they played "Achilles Last Stand". All day yesterday it was as if the Universe was tapping me on the shoulder saying, "We're here with you. Hang in there. The fight is already won, you just have to realize the 'blessings for you down the road'."
(Side note: Notice the time they played the song...add 3+1+4 together and you get 8...the number of new beginnings. When I made my Essiac tea the other night, as it boiled I had Barbi pray with me over the phone for Mother/Father God to nourish the tea to my body and for healing in all things in our lives. Our prayer lasted 8 minutes. New beginnings. The number 8 seems to be popping up a lot in the last few days.)
A few days ago I told my sister-in-luv, Barbi, that if I roll over and give up, it would be like committing suicide. I didn't do it back then, why in the hell would I do it now?
I have blessings waiting for me 'down the road'. And: "All the blessings that are already mine will bring even more fulfillment and joy." :)
Life is good.
Rock on!
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