My friend, Julie, sent me this song a few months ago. The enemy the words are directed towards, is pretty generic...I use this song to help me battle...the 'thing'.
listen carefully to the words...he will say 'Sophia guide my hand'. If you've been reading my posts, you'll understand what that means. :)
Take up your swords and battle on!
Thanks, Julie!
Lyrics:
I should be ashamed for what you've done to me
It's only happened because I let it be
But no more
You are not wrong, you who believe
Your will defines your destiny
But if you act in selfish fear
Then truth means nothing
You are not wrong if you perceive
The message veiled in mystery
But if we bury what we dream
We're left with what remains
There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride,
Taking back my dreams, and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end
I'm taking back my hope, taking back my goals,
Taking back my memories, and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave
You are not wrong if you believe
Perception works its alchemy
And I become the phoenix once again
Transforming destiny
We brace before the fates descending
With resolution never ending
As Nike stands, her shield before me,
Sophia guide my hand
There is no wisdom that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I feel the wishfire burning cold
Black wings to fill the sky unfold
And nothing takes from God his storm
See the angels' eyes transform
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Can You Feel It? It's So...There...
I am a visual person. If I can 'see' things happen, rather than read about how to do things in books, I'm able to learn them easier. I can see things from written directions, but it takes time for me to process it in my brain. Seeing them acted out where I can also maybe perform hands-on practice, helps it to click.
I believe that Jesus taught us we have to the power to heal, that whatever we ask, believing we will receive. I see the tumor shrinking into dust, the edges of it burning to ash, the flames working their way to the middle, the edges, the ashes, floating into nothing, disintegrating. My friend, Julie, gave me a great visual...that I reach in and pull out this black mass that looks like a lump of coal, and to watch a white light ignite within its middle consuming it to where it's nothing but ash in my hand, and that the Universe takes it from me, scattering it into space.
I had some pain today, pain that wasn't there yesterday or for a while. For most of the day I ignored it, did things to keep my mind off of it. I've been watching lots of comedy, or sit-coms, especially "Home Improvement" and "Boy Meets World". Today I watched them both and laughed and laughed. But...when trying to get some sleep, the fear of the tumor growing again hit me and before I could really get caught up in that negativity, I called my brother and sister-in-love, Vance and Barbi. They've told me from the start to call them if I need to. I did. Vance prayed for me over the phone...I knew Barbi was there in agreement with his prayer, so both of them were as one. It helped so very much to know that I'm not alone, even if no one is here. I have my cat and he's been so very cuddly tonight, I think he knows. (Cats and dogs always know, don't they?) It's just been very, very good.
I've got "The 69 Eyes" playing on my MP3 Player (a new group Julie is sharing with me who are from Finland. Very interesting style these boys have and the lyrics are extremely intriguing. They touch on darkness, but not to the point of pulling you into a funk, in a sense they put 'facing the darkness' into a whole new definition. With this situation, I'm facing a type of darkness, this cancer, tumor, is a mass of darkness that in facing and forcing it out of my body, I'm able to find the courage in beating it back to where it came from. I like the parallel, the metaphor. I seem to find inspiration for this fight-for-victory in the most unlikely places. From prayers, to visualizations; From Goth music from Finland to ether-grabbing guitar solos from one Jimmy Page. Which just goes to prove, once again, not to put Mother/Father God in a box. They can use anything to teach us, to reach us where we're at and commune.)
In facing your darkened moments, what pulls you into finding the strength to head into the storm, no matter how dark, and become determined to reach the other side? You may get bloodied in the journey, the battle, but for you it doesn't matter, because the inspiration pulls you through, it gives you the strength. Is it music? The written word? Areas of nature? Friends and family who stand with you, holding up your arms so that you can continue to gain victory? Animals? I would give anything to ride a horse right now. To ride at a full gallop in an open area, become one with the horse, connect spiritually with it. I love the ocean, to be there as the waves roll in. I love the rain, watching it come down, feeling it on my skin. I love my cat, how he purrs on my belly. I imagine, like Jimmy Page's guitar solos, his purrs hitting the tumor and disintegrating it. So many things around us that we can use to find strength, love of life, and gain a spiritual communion, finding our feet again and becoming more determined as a result to win.
The love is there, all around us. It fills the soul, the heart, the mind, the air, our spirits. It's everywhere. Can you feel it? When you do, ride the crest of the wave, and when it takes you to shore, rest on the sand, gaze up at the sky, no matter if it's night or day, and revel in the love of your Creator. There's life there. It feels good, doesn't it? :)
Rock on.
(Thanks, to my brother, sister-in-love, niece and nephew and to Mother/Father God. The love is felt and very, very powerful in my heart right now. And as I face this tumor/cancer...once again I punch it out and say: "To the MOON, Alice!")
I believe that Jesus taught us we have to the power to heal, that whatever we ask, believing we will receive. I see the tumor shrinking into dust, the edges of it burning to ash, the flames working their way to the middle, the edges, the ashes, floating into nothing, disintegrating. My friend, Julie, gave me a great visual...that I reach in and pull out this black mass that looks like a lump of coal, and to watch a white light ignite within its middle consuming it to where it's nothing but ash in my hand, and that the Universe takes it from me, scattering it into space.
I had some pain today, pain that wasn't there yesterday or for a while. For most of the day I ignored it, did things to keep my mind off of it. I've been watching lots of comedy, or sit-coms, especially "Home Improvement" and "Boy Meets World". Today I watched them both and laughed and laughed. But...when trying to get some sleep, the fear of the tumor growing again hit me and before I could really get caught up in that negativity, I called my brother and sister-in-love, Vance and Barbi. They've told me from the start to call them if I need to. I did. Vance prayed for me over the phone...I knew Barbi was there in agreement with his prayer, so both of them were as one. It helped so very much to know that I'm not alone, even if no one is here. I have my cat and he's been so very cuddly tonight, I think he knows. (Cats and dogs always know, don't they?) It's just been very, very good.
I've got "The 69 Eyes" playing on my MP3 Player (a new group Julie is sharing with me who are from Finland. Very interesting style these boys have and the lyrics are extremely intriguing. They touch on darkness, but not to the point of pulling you into a funk, in a sense they put 'facing the darkness' into a whole new definition. With this situation, I'm facing a type of darkness, this cancer, tumor, is a mass of darkness that in facing and forcing it out of my body, I'm able to find the courage in beating it back to where it came from. I like the parallel, the metaphor. I seem to find inspiration for this fight-for-victory in the most unlikely places. From prayers, to visualizations; From Goth music from Finland to ether-grabbing guitar solos from one Jimmy Page. Which just goes to prove, once again, not to put Mother/Father God in a box. They can use anything to teach us, to reach us where we're at and commune.)
In facing your darkened moments, what pulls you into finding the strength to head into the storm, no matter how dark, and become determined to reach the other side? You may get bloodied in the journey, the battle, but for you it doesn't matter, because the inspiration pulls you through, it gives you the strength. Is it music? The written word? Areas of nature? Friends and family who stand with you, holding up your arms so that you can continue to gain victory? Animals? I would give anything to ride a horse right now. To ride at a full gallop in an open area, become one with the horse, connect spiritually with it. I love the ocean, to be there as the waves roll in. I love the rain, watching it come down, feeling it on my skin. I love my cat, how he purrs on my belly. I imagine, like Jimmy Page's guitar solos, his purrs hitting the tumor and disintegrating it. So many things around us that we can use to find strength, love of life, and gain a spiritual communion, finding our feet again and becoming more determined as a result to win.
The love is there, all around us. It fills the soul, the heart, the mind, the air, our spirits. It's everywhere. Can you feel it? When you do, ride the crest of the wave, and when it takes you to shore, rest on the sand, gaze up at the sky, no matter if it's night or day, and revel in the love of your Creator. There's life there. It feels good, doesn't it? :)
Rock on.
(Thanks, to my brother, sister-in-love, niece and nephew and to Mother/Father God. The love is felt and very, very powerful in my heart right now. And as I face this tumor/cancer...once again I punch it out and say: "To the MOON, Alice!")
Friday, September 24, 2010
An incredible blessedness...
I may be going out on a limb here, expressing my views on Mother/Father God. Some may furrow a brow and think I've dived off the deep end, but in my research of the Holy Spirit, I believe in a feminine aspect of God. In Proverbs 7-9, Wisdom is described as being feminine. It is called 'She' and 'Her'. The Wisdom given by the Holy Spirit, in Greek, is called 'Sophia' - a feminine term. When Listening to Leonard Nimoy explaining where he came up with the Vulcan hand salute for 'Live long and prosper', said he saw the salute during a Jewish ceremony where the Rabbi called down the 'Shekinah Glory'. What Christians call 'The Holy Spirit'. He was eight years old when this happened in the synagogue he attended with his father. They were told to bow their heads and close their eyes. Being eight years old, he was a naturally curious child and lifted his head during the ceremony to see the Rabbi hold his hands in that 'V' symbol. Later in life, he wondered as to why they had to close their eyes and bow their heads during the calling of the Shekinah. He was told that 'Shekinah' was 'Mother' and not to disrespect her. I'm paraphrasing this as I've not seen the interview in some time and am going by memory, but it was an incredibly powerful statement that left a mark on me, a very wonderful mark. (The interview was seen on the special features of season two DVD's for Star Trek The Original Series, if you wish to see it.)
I believe God is both masculine and feminine. I know some may find that difficult to swallow, but it is nevertheless a wonderful and comforting, at least to me, insight on God.
Why do I bring this up? Because Mother/Father God worked in my heart yesterday.
I had been struggling with flying up north to see my sister become hand-fasted to her fiance'. I would only be going up for the weekend, for her, but realizing the hectic day for this ceremony that would surround her and I, I became a bit nervous and uncertain if it was a good idea. Regardless of how I believe the Cancer is leaving my body, maintaining a positive mental and emotional state about that, there is the undeniable fact that the chemo treatments have affected my body and began to affect it right away. I had passed out a few times soon after the first few treatments of the latter drugs they used. Being in a crowd of people, in tight quarters caused this. There is also the fact that my immune system has been affected as well as my heart.
Being in a crowd of strangers, with all the activity associated with a wedding ceremony, I began to question the wisdom in this endeavor. I also did not want to hurt my sister by bowing out. I love my family, the closeness that has developed with everyone in my life (my friends, family even co-workers) has become a precious gift to me.
But friends and family offered wisdom and insight. My gut was telling me that going up there was not a good idea, but how to deal with it? What to say to my sister? I was encouraged to talk to her, and so I called. Her response? Complete and total understanding in a voice full of love. She, too, had been worried about my health. We spoke in love of what we could do for a later visit during the Christmas holidays when I'm off from work, when I can afford the time to go up there and just 'visit' her, to really spend quality time together. It was such a wonderful feeling to focus on 'then' rather than 'now' (again, living like there IS a tomorrow.)
The conversation took less than three minutes, the love was there, the restless feeling lifted and I called to cancel my 'Park n' Fly' reservations, as well as my flight reservations. In all, everything took less than 7 minutes to accomplish. I called my friends and family and reported back. Everyone felt good about this. Mother/Father God had moved to ease the situation with swift and unerring peace.
And this morning, as I write this? Well, I explained what I mean when I say "The Universe", well, everyone in my 'Universe' is surrounding me in spirit and the love is as powerful as a tidal wave. It's an incredible feeling. Cancer has no chance of winning against the most powerful weapon in the Universe. My friends and family remind me of this practically every day. I woke up feeling incredibly blessed to have them in my life, and to know that my spiritual family is up there looking out for me, too.
When stress comes at you about a certain situation, seek out 'Sophia', seek out that spiritual wisdom that comes from Mother/Father God, and you will find it in your friends and family. We are not alone in our battles and struggles. Take that love that flows out to you and allow it to move you like a gentle current...downstream, lay back and relax and enjoy the scenery as you pass along the journey. Trying to swim against that current only wears you down and exhausts you. Upstream journeys are, in a sense, like moving 'backwards', 'regressing'. The incredible adventure is before you. Rapids, waterfalls, will certainly also be before you, but therein lies the adventure...to learn to navigate through them and around them. I hit a few rapids yesterday, fearing a forthcoming waterfall, but the wise counsel I received were the tools necessary to navigate, and in the end the journey led to an incredible blessing!
Life is soooo good!
Mother/Father God bless.
Rock on!
I believe God is both masculine and feminine. I know some may find that difficult to swallow, but it is nevertheless a wonderful and comforting, at least to me, insight on God.
Why do I bring this up? Because Mother/Father God worked in my heart yesterday.
I had been struggling with flying up north to see my sister become hand-fasted to her fiance'. I would only be going up for the weekend, for her, but realizing the hectic day for this ceremony that would surround her and I, I became a bit nervous and uncertain if it was a good idea. Regardless of how I believe the Cancer is leaving my body, maintaining a positive mental and emotional state about that, there is the undeniable fact that the chemo treatments have affected my body and began to affect it right away. I had passed out a few times soon after the first few treatments of the latter drugs they used. Being in a crowd of people, in tight quarters caused this. There is also the fact that my immune system has been affected as well as my heart.
Being in a crowd of strangers, with all the activity associated with a wedding ceremony, I began to question the wisdom in this endeavor. I also did not want to hurt my sister by bowing out. I love my family, the closeness that has developed with everyone in my life (my friends, family even co-workers) has become a precious gift to me.
But friends and family offered wisdom and insight. My gut was telling me that going up there was not a good idea, but how to deal with it? What to say to my sister? I was encouraged to talk to her, and so I called. Her response? Complete and total understanding in a voice full of love. She, too, had been worried about my health. We spoke in love of what we could do for a later visit during the Christmas holidays when I'm off from work, when I can afford the time to go up there and just 'visit' her, to really spend quality time together. It was such a wonderful feeling to focus on 'then' rather than 'now' (again, living like there IS a tomorrow.)
The conversation took less than three minutes, the love was there, the restless feeling lifted and I called to cancel my 'Park n' Fly' reservations, as well as my flight reservations. In all, everything took less than 7 minutes to accomplish. I called my friends and family and reported back. Everyone felt good about this. Mother/Father God had moved to ease the situation with swift and unerring peace.
And this morning, as I write this? Well, I explained what I mean when I say "The Universe", well, everyone in my 'Universe' is surrounding me in spirit and the love is as powerful as a tidal wave. It's an incredible feeling. Cancer has no chance of winning against the most powerful weapon in the Universe. My friends and family remind me of this practically every day. I woke up feeling incredibly blessed to have them in my life, and to know that my spiritual family is up there looking out for me, too.
When stress comes at you about a certain situation, seek out 'Sophia', seek out that spiritual wisdom that comes from Mother/Father God, and you will find it in your friends and family. We are not alone in our battles and struggles. Take that love that flows out to you and allow it to move you like a gentle current...downstream, lay back and relax and enjoy the scenery as you pass along the journey. Trying to swim against that current only wears you down and exhausts you. Upstream journeys are, in a sense, like moving 'backwards', 'regressing'. The incredible adventure is before you. Rapids, waterfalls, will certainly also be before you, but therein lies the adventure...to learn to navigate through them and around them. I hit a few rapids yesterday, fearing a forthcoming waterfall, but the wise counsel I received were the tools necessary to navigate, and in the end the journey led to an incredible blessing!
Life is soooo good!
Mother/Father God bless.
Rock on!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Going back to school...
My curriculum in high school sucked big time. I mean it. It S-U-C-K-E-D SUCKED!
We paid the Revolutionary War lip service. Never studied the Civil War, never studied ancient civilizations, never studied other cultures. I look back at my school years with sorrow. Mostly for the lack of initiative, on my part as well as the part of the teachers. The teachers never had a passion for teaching. They searched high and low for a means to lip-service their way through the lessons. Not one teacher, with the exception of my music teacher, had any passion to teach.
So, where do I find the passion to learn? Recently? From watching "Boy Meets World". I kid you not! I've been watching the first two seasons of this show on DVD and heard a very wonderful description from William Daniels' character George Feeny about what education is really about. To learn to think for ourselves. Education is not about a bunch of memorized facts and dates, but about learning to analyze information and to acquire knowledge in the form of 'thinking'. I never really went to college, ( a few semesters, but they don't count) because my desire to learn was never really 'there'. It was never stirred in high school, never given birth. I never knew what I wanted to major in, never really searched my mind for a desire in what kind of career I wanted. Writing? Sure. I write stories, I love words, but back then in high school, it was not something I was encouraged to pursue. I was told it was a dream world and I needed to go the realistic route. Okay. If I couldn't write, I had absolutely no idea what else to do with my life. My desire to learn was stunted in high school.
Now, all I want to do is learn. I would LOVE to go back to school and study history, world civilizations, world religions, mythology, military history, Egyptian and Greek history, Roman history, Celtic history. My desire is so ravenous...but...with this 'situation' regarding my health, that desire is now put on hold, at least as far as a structured school atmosphere/curriculum. I can still teach myself. I can still study on my own time.
I invested in a digital recorder yesterday. Forty bucks. 600 hours. I will learn to make notes from the books I study and how to transfer them, if possible, to CD's so I can listen to that information again and again, learn to apply it to my life, learn what happened centuries ago for us to be where we're at today. Greek civilization is one area of study that I feel very passionate about. I want to study Aristotle, Plato, Socrates. I want to study Sophocles' plays. I want to study the Egyptian pantheon and how that culture lived and worked and played. I have always been fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and writings.
I want to study military history, and "The Art of War". I want to learn...because in that learning, I can write better stories. "The Art of War" can be applied to life, how to deal with confrontation. I want to study the Hindu pantheon, to learn how other cultures think and believe. To love God and Love People, we need to understand those people. When Jesus said to "Love your neighbor", I'm sure we all know that he wasn't just speaking about the people next door or down the street, but those people across the ocean, who may have differing beliefs, but in whose beliefs there are nuggets of truth.
Understanding our fellow neighbors is the first step to loving them. Asking for Wisdom, for Sophia (Yes, Wisdom is feminine...dig it) to grace us with her attributes is a worthy and loving gesture. I want to LEARN!
When I thought all I was dealing with was the need for a hysterectomy, I had determined to go back to school once the surgery was over and I was healed. In my former post, I described Death being the teacher and I was the student. So, in a way, the Universe banded together and said, "Ta-da...you're in school." I accept that, so these other lessons, the ones I mentioned above, are the extra-curricular activities...the extra credit endeavors I plan on diving into.
Life is so fricken full of wondrous things to learn. Why in heaven's name are we not doing so? If I knew in high school what I know now, I would have hit the books harder, I would found teachers who were sincere in their desire to teach, I would have gone to college and pursued a degree in something...be it History, English, Education, or all of the above. Maybe even chemistry or health. This 'situation' may have put a halt to actually being in a literal classroom with other students sitting at desks with textbooks open, but I can go to a library, I can utilize the Internet, I can buy used books on Amazon, including textbooks, and I can teach myself.
Watching "Boy Meets World" last night, I felt that stirring to learn all over again and it was incredible! It's not work, it's a joy. Okay, the homework may be tough, the lessons sometimes might be difficult to understand, but it gives us something to discuss. My first book to study is entitled: "The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior." It's a novel, based on a true story. I'm anxious to get on it. I have Norse Mythology, Celtic Mythology, Greek, Egyptian and Roman mythology, I have opportunities to invest in textbooks on ancient civilizations...all this information at my fingertips, and the question remains...just what the heck am I going to do with all of this?
Simple. Crack open the books, read, and take notes. Study, study, study.
And for entertaining reading, I'll throw in some Shakespeare, The Iliad and the Odyssey. I'll be posting things here as they speak to me, quoting, analyzing. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to this. ;)
Rock on!
We paid the Revolutionary War lip service. Never studied the Civil War, never studied ancient civilizations, never studied other cultures. I look back at my school years with sorrow. Mostly for the lack of initiative, on my part as well as the part of the teachers. The teachers never had a passion for teaching. They searched high and low for a means to lip-service their way through the lessons. Not one teacher, with the exception of my music teacher, had any passion to teach.
So, where do I find the passion to learn? Recently? From watching "Boy Meets World". I kid you not! I've been watching the first two seasons of this show on DVD and heard a very wonderful description from William Daniels' character George Feeny about what education is really about. To learn to think for ourselves. Education is not about a bunch of memorized facts and dates, but about learning to analyze information and to acquire knowledge in the form of 'thinking'. I never really went to college, ( a few semesters, but they don't count) because my desire to learn was never really 'there'. It was never stirred in high school, never given birth. I never knew what I wanted to major in, never really searched my mind for a desire in what kind of career I wanted. Writing? Sure. I write stories, I love words, but back then in high school, it was not something I was encouraged to pursue. I was told it was a dream world and I needed to go the realistic route. Okay. If I couldn't write, I had absolutely no idea what else to do with my life. My desire to learn was stunted in high school.
Now, all I want to do is learn. I would LOVE to go back to school and study history, world civilizations, world religions, mythology, military history, Egyptian and Greek history, Roman history, Celtic history. My desire is so ravenous...but...with this 'situation' regarding my health, that desire is now put on hold, at least as far as a structured school atmosphere/curriculum. I can still teach myself. I can still study on my own time.
I invested in a digital recorder yesterday. Forty bucks. 600 hours. I will learn to make notes from the books I study and how to transfer them, if possible, to CD's so I can listen to that information again and again, learn to apply it to my life, learn what happened centuries ago for us to be where we're at today. Greek civilization is one area of study that I feel very passionate about. I want to study Aristotle, Plato, Socrates. I want to study Sophocles' plays. I want to study the Egyptian pantheon and how that culture lived and worked and played. I have always been fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and writings.
I want to study military history, and "The Art of War". I want to learn...because in that learning, I can write better stories. "The Art of War" can be applied to life, how to deal with confrontation. I want to study the Hindu pantheon, to learn how other cultures think and believe. To love God and Love People, we need to understand those people. When Jesus said to "Love your neighbor", I'm sure we all know that he wasn't just speaking about the people next door or down the street, but those people across the ocean, who may have differing beliefs, but in whose beliefs there are nuggets of truth.
Understanding our fellow neighbors is the first step to loving them. Asking for Wisdom, for Sophia (Yes, Wisdom is feminine...dig it) to grace us with her attributes is a worthy and loving gesture. I want to LEARN!
When I thought all I was dealing with was the need for a hysterectomy, I had determined to go back to school once the surgery was over and I was healed. In my former post, I described Death being the teacher and I was the student. So, in a way, the Universe banded together and said, "Ta-da...you're in school." I accept that, so these other lessons, the ones I mentioned above, are the extra-curricular activities...the extra credit endeavors I plan on diving into.
Life is so fricken full of wondrous things to learn. Why in heaven's name are we not doing so? If I knew in high school what I know now, I would have hit the books harder, I would found teachers who were sincere in their desire to teach, I would have gone to college and pursued a degree in something...be it History, English, Education, or all of the above. Maybe even chemistry or health. This 'situation' may have put a halt to actually being in a literal classroom with other students sitting at desks with textbooks open, but I can go to a library, I can utilize the Internet, I can buy used books on Amazon, including textbooks, and I can teach myself.
Watching "Boy Meets World" last night, I felt that stirring to learn all over again and it was incredible! It's not work, it's a joy. Okay, the homework may be tough, the lessons sometimes might be difficult to understand, but it gives us something to discuss. My first book to study is entitled: "The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior." It's a novel, based on a true story. I'm anxious to get on it. I have Norse Mythology, Celtic Mythology, Greek, Egyptian and Roman mythology, I have opportunities to invest in textbooks on ancient civilizations...all this information at my fingertips, and the question remains...just what the heck am I going to do with all of this?
Simple. Crack open the books, read, and take notes. Study, study, study.
And for entertaining reading, I'll throw in some Shakespeare, The Iliad and the Odyssey. I'll be posting things here as they speak to me, quoting, analyzing. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to this. ;)
Rock on!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
What I could lose, if I let Death take me now...
This isn't going to be a post based on religious or monotheistic beliefs...it's really more deeper than that, more a spiritual epiphany. I believe in God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, the Trinity, yes, but as I told my sister-in-law and friends, I don't box them in. I'm open to new ways of seeing spirituality, because I've seen miracles in my life this last year that have proven to me that God is bigger than our interpretations of Him. Much bigger. And the joy that comes from God comes from the discovery of how vast the Universe is and to know that God, who I believe is both masculine and feminine, a Mother-Father God, if you will, is in every aspect of that universe, every nook and cranny, every shaft of sun and moonlight, every wisp of cloud, every drop of rain, every breath we inhale and exhale, and every sound the universe makes, from the explosion of a dead world, to the explosion of a new one being born, from every cry of a newborn bird, to the song that bird makes when reaching adulthood.
God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)
So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.
What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.
When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.
To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.
Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.
I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)
Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.
Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)
Rock on!
God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)
So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.
What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.
When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.
To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.
Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.
I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)
Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.
Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)
Rock on!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Heart Scan results and not giving up...
The heart scan doc wanted me to take showed positive for damage, so she's taken me completely off the chemo drugs for 6 weeks. She said that the heart can heal, so I'm thinking positive in that area while at the same time, continuing to envision the tumor shrinking...without the chemo. :) Yes! I believe in miracles and that medical drugs are not the ONLY way to fight this thing. The power of faith and the mind, the spirit, the soul, the entirety of who we are as living beings can work against negative cowardly diseases and push them back into nothing...making them disappear. Cancer is a bully...plain and simple. When you face a bully head-on, fight back, get in their faces, they shrink away and nurse their wounds. Once they realize they can't control you, they go into 'ignore' mode. Cancer is a bully, it's a coward...it attacks unseen, thinking it can get the upper hand. I say phooey on that! We *can* have doubts about fighting it, that's normal, but we can also find uplifting ways to be able to pump us up and get us back into the ring. No way am I throwing in the towel. The damage to the heart was not unexpected. When first starting these drugs, the doctor informed me that they could affect the heart. Okay. That's just God, the Universe, telling me to take a step back and let THEM take care of it, both the heart and the cancer. My angels, God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, even my ancestors...I feel my grandma and papa with me so close and offering their support. It's not a step back...it's a means to re-energize in order to get back into the game and continue going to the next level.
It's gonna be okay. It IS okay.
My only concern? Now that I have my appetite back in full swing, I'm concerned about gaining back the weight I lost. LOL! I actually like being between 145-150 pounds, even though I got here mostly by the chemo killing my appetite. (I'd lost 40 pounds before being diagnosed with cancer.) It's a far cry from the 239 I was over a year ago. Stocking up on fruits and veggies and whole grains, omega-3 eggs and spinach, oatmeal, nuts and all sorts of yogurt. I can maintain this weight for 6 weeks. You betcha!
Rock on!
It's gonna be okay. It IS okay.
My only concern? Now that I have my appetite back in full swing, I'm concerned about gaining back the weight I lost. LOL! I actually like being between 145-150 pounds, even though I got here mostly by the chemo killing my appetite. (I'd lost 40 pounds before being diagnosed with cancer.) It's a far cry from the 239 I was over a year ago. Stocking up on fruits and veggies and whole grains, omega-3 eggs and spinach, oatmeal, nuts and all sorts of yogurt. I can maintain this weight for 6 weeks. You betcha!
Rock on!
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