What I could lose, if I let Death take me now...

This isn't going to be a post based on religious or monotheistic beliefs...it's really more deeper than that, more a spiritual epiphany. I believe in God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, the Trinity, yes, but as I told my sister-in-law and friends, I don't box them in. I'm open to new ways of seeing spirituality, because I've seen miracles in my life this last year that have proven to me that God is bigger than our interpretations of Him. Much bigger. And the joy that comes from God comes from the discovery of how vast the Universe is and to know that God, who I believe is both masculine and feminine, a Mother-Father God, if you will, is in every aspect of that universe, every nook and cranny, every shaft of sun and moonlight, every wisp of cloud, every drop of rain, every breath we inhale and exhale, and every sound the universe makes, from the explosion of a dead world, to the explosion of a new one being born, from every cry of a newborn bird, to the song that bird makes when reaching adulthood.

God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)

So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.

What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.

When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.

To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.

Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.

I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)

Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.

Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)

Rock on!