My friend, Julie, sent me this song a few months ago. The enemy the words are directed towards, is pretty generic...I use this song to help me battle...the 'thing'.
listen carefully to the words...he will say 'Sophia guide my hand'. If you've been reading my posts, you'll understand what that means. :)
Take up your swords and battle on!
Thanks, Julie!
Lyrics:
I should be ashamed for what you've done to me
It's only happened because I let it be
But no more
You are not wrong, you who believe
Your will defines your destiny
But if you act in selfish fear
Then truth means nothing
You are not wrong if you perceive
The message veiled in mystery
But if we bury what we dream
We're left with what remains
There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride,
Taking back my dreams, and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end
I'm taking back my hope, taking back my goals,
Taking back my memories, and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave
You are not wrong if you believe
Perception works its alchemy
And I become the phoenix once again
Transforming destiny
We brace before the fates descending
With resolution never ending
As Nike stands, her shield before me,
Sophia guide my hand
There is no wisdom that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I feel the wishfire burning cold
Black wings to fill the sky unfold
And nothing takes from God his storm
See the angels' eyes transform
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Can You Feel It? It's So...There...
I am a visual person. If I can 'see' things happen, rather than read about how to do things in books, I'm able to learn them easier. I can see things from written directions, but it takes time for me to process it in my brain. Seeing them acted out where I can also maybe perform hands-on practice, helps it to click.
I believe that Jesus taught us we have to the power to heal, that whatever we ask, believing we will receive. I see the tumor shrinking into dust, the edges of it burning to ash, the flames working their way to the middle, the edges, the ashes, floating into nothing, disintegrating. My friend, Julie, gave me a great visual...that I reach in and pull out this black mass that looks like a lump of coal, and to watch a white light ignite within its middle consuming it to where it's nothing but ash in my hand, and that the Universe takes it from me, scattering it into space.
I had some pain today, pain that wasn't there yesterday or for a while. For most of the day I ignored it, did things to keep my mind off of it. I've been watching lots of comedy, or sit-coms, especially "Home Improvement" and "Boy Meets World". Today I watched them both and laughed and laughed. But...when trying to get some sleep, the fear of the tumor growing again hit me and before I could really get caught up in that negativity, I called my brother and sister-in-love, Vance and Barbi. They've told me from the start to call them if I need to. I did. Vance prayed for me over the phone...I knew Barbi was there in agreement with his prayer, so both of them were as one. It helped so very much to know that I'm not alone, even if no one is here. I have my cat and he's been so very cuddly tonight, I think he knows. (Cats and dogs always know, don't they?) It's just been very, very good.
I've got "The 69 Eyes" playing on my MP3 Player (a new group Julie is sharing with me who are from Finland. Very interesting style these boys have and the lyrics are extremely intriguing. They touch on darkness, but not to the point of pulling you into a funk, in a sense they put 'facing the darkness' into a whole new definition. With this situation, I'm facing a type of darkness, this cancer, tumor, is a mass of darkness that in facing and forcing it out of my body, I'm able to find the courage in beating it back to where it came from. I like the parallel, the metaphor. I seem to find inspiration for this fight-for-victory in the most unlikely places. From prayers, to visualizations; From Goth music from Finland to ether-grabbing guitar solos from one Jimmy Page. Which just goes to prove, once again, not to put Mother/Father God in a box. They can use anything to teach us, to reach us where we're at and commune.)
In facing your darkened moments, what pulls you into finding the strength to head into the storm, no matter how dark, and become determined to reach the other side? You may get bloodied in the journey, the battle, but for you it doesn't matter, because the inspiration pulls you through, it gives you the strength. Is it music? The written word? Areas of nature? Friends and family who stand with you, holding up your arms so that you can continue to gain victory? Animals? I would give anything to ride a horse right now. To ride at a full gallop in an open area, become one with the horse, connect spiritually with it. I love the ocean, to be there as the waves roll in. I love the rain, watching it come down, feeling it on my skin. I love my cat, how he purrs on my belly. I imagine, like Jimmy Page's guitar solos, his purrs hitting the tumor and disintegrating it. So many things around us that we can use to find strength, love of life, and gain a spiritual communion, finding our feet again and becoming more determined as a result to win.
The love is there, all around us. It fills the soul, the heart, the mind, the air, our spirits. It's everywhere. Can you feel it? When you do, ride the crest of the wave, and when it takes you to shore, rest on the sand, gaze up at the sky, no matter if it's night or day, and revel in the love of your Creator. There's life there. It feels good, doesn't it? :)
Rock on.
(Thanks, to my brother, sister-in-love, niece and nephew and to Mother/Father God. The love is felt and very, very powerful in my heart right now. And as I face this tumor/cancer...once again I punch it out and say: "To the MOON, Alice!")
I believe that Jesus taught us we have to the power to heal, that whatever we ask, believing we will receive. I see the tumor shrinking into dust, the edges of it burning to ash, the flames working their way to the middle, the edges, the ashes, floating into nothing, disintegrating. My friend, Julie, gave me a great visual...that I reach in and pull out this black mass that looks like a lump of coal, and to watch a white light ignite within its middle consuming it to where it's nothing but ash in my hand, and that the Universe takes it from me, scattering it into space.
I had some pain today, pain that wasn't there yesterday or for a while. For most of the day I ignored it, did things to keep my mind off of it. I've been watching lots of comedy, or sit-coms, especially "Home Improvement" and "Boy Meets World". Today I watched them both and laughed and laughed. But...when trying to get some sleep, the fear of the tumor growing again hit me and before I could really get caught up in that negativity, I called my brother and sister-in-love, Vance and Barbi. They've told me from the start to call them if I need to. I did. Vance prayed for me over the phone...I knew Barbi was there in agreement with his prayer, so both of them were as one. It helped so very much to know that I'm not alone, even if no one is here. I have my cat and he's been so very cuddly tonight, I think he knows. (Cats and dogs always know, don't they?) It's just been very, very good.
I've got "The 69 Eyes" playing on my MP3 Player (a new group Julie is sharing with me who are from Finland. Very interesting style these boys have and the lyrics are extremely intriguing. They touch on darkness, but not to the point of pulling you into a funk, in a sense they put 'facing the darkness' into a whole new definition. With this situation, I'm facing a type of darkness, this cancer, tumor, is a mass of darkness that in facing and forcing it out of my body, I'm able to find the courage in beating it back to where it came from. I like the parallel, the metaphor. I seem to find inspiration for this fight-for-victory in the most unlikely places. From prayers, to visualizations; From Goth music from Finland to ether-grabbing guitar solos from one Jimmy Page. Which just goes to prove, once again, not to put Mother/Father God in a box. They can use anything to teach us, to reach us where we're at and commune.)
In facing your darkened moments, what pulls you into finding the strength to head into the storm, no matter how dark, and become determined to reach the other side? You may get bloodied in the journey, the battle, but for you it doesn't matter, because the inspiration pulls you through, it gives you the strength. Is it music? The written word? Areas of nature? Friends and family who stand with you, holding up your arms so that you can continue to gain victory? Animals? I would give anything to ride a horse right now. To ride at a full gallop in an open area, become one with the horse, connect spiritually with it. I love the ocean, to be there as the waves roll in. I love the rain, watching it come down, feeling it on my skin. I love my cat, how he purrs on my belly. I imagine, like Jimmy Page's guitar solos, his purrs hitting the tumor and disintegrating it. So many things around us that we can use to find strength, love of life, and gain a spiritual communion, finding our feet again and becoming more determined as a result to win.
The love is there, all around us. It fills the soul, the heart, the mind, the air, our spirits. It's everywhere. Can you feel it? When you do, ride the crest of the wave, and when it takes you to shore, rest on the sand, gaze up at the sky, no matter if it's night or day, and revel in the love of your Creator. There's life there. It feels good, doesn't it? :)
Rock on.
(Thanks, to my brother, sister-in-love, niece and nephew and to Mother/Father God. The love is felt and very, very powerful in my heart right now. And as I face this tumor/cancer...once again I punch it out and say: "To the MOON, Alice!")
Friday, September 24, 2010
An incredible blessedness...
I may be going out on a limb here, expressing my views on Mother/Father God. Some may furrow a brow and think I've dived off the deep end, but in my research of the Holy Spirit, I believe in a feminine aspect of God. In Proverbs 7-9, Wisdom is described as being feminine. It is called 'She' and 'Her'. The Wisdom given by the Holy Spirit, in Greek, is called 'Sophia' - a feminine term. When Listening to Leonard Nimoy explaining where he came up with the Vulcan hand salute for 'Live long and prosper', said he saw the salute during a Jewish ceremony where the Rabbi called down the 'Shekinah Glory'. What Christians call 'The Holy Spirit'. He was eight years old when this happened in the synagogue he attended with his father. They were told to bow their heads and close their eyes. Being eight years old, he was a naturally curious child and lifted his head during the ceremony to see the Rabbi hold his hands in that 'V' symbol. Later in life, he wondered as to why they had to close their eyes and bow their heads during the calling of the Shekinah. He was told that 'Shekinah' was 'Mother' and not to disrespect her. I'm paraphrasing this as I've not seen the interview in some time and am going by memory, but it was an incredibly powerful statement that left a mark on me, a very wonderful mark. (The interview was seen on the special features of season two DVD's for Star Trek The Original Series, if you wish to see it.)
I believe God is both masculine and feminine. I know some may find that difficult to swallow, but it is nevertheless a wonderful and comforting, at least to me, insight on God.
Why do I bring this up? Because Mother/Father God worked in my heart yesterday.
I had been struggling with flying up north to see my sister become hand-fasted to her fiance'. I would only be going up for the weekend, for her, but realizing the hectic day for this ceremony that would surround her and I, I became a bit nervous and uncertain if it was a good idea. Regardless of how I believe the Cancer is leaving my body, maintaining a positive mental and emotional state about that, there is the undeniable fact that the chemo treatments have affected my body and began to affect it right away. I had passed out a few times soon after the first few treatments of the latter drugs they used. Being in a crowd of people, in tight quarters caused this. There is also the fact that my immune system has been affected as well as my heart.
Being in a crowd of strangers, with all the activity associated with a wedding ceremony, I began to question the wisdom in this endeavor. I also did not want to hurt my sister by bowing out. I love my family, the closeness that has developed with everyone in my life (my friends, family even co-workers) has become a precious gift to me.
But friends and family offered wisdom and insight. My gut was telling me that going up there was not a good idea, but how to deal with it? What to say to my sister? I was encouraged to talk to her, and so I called. Her response? Complete and total understanding in a voice full of love. She, too, had been worried about my health. We spoke in love of what we could do for a later visit during the Christmas holidays when I'm off from work, when I can afford the time to go up there and just 'visit' her, to really spend quality time together. It was such a wonderful feeling to focus on 'then' rather than 'now' (again, living like there IS a tomorrow.)
The conversation took less than three minutes, the love was there, the restless feeling lifted and I called to cancel my 'Park n' Fly' reservations, as well as my flight reservations. In all, everything took less than 7 minutes to accomplish. I called my friends and family and reported back. Everyone felt good about this. Mother/Father God had moved to ease the situation with swift and unerring peace.
And this morning, as I write this? Well, I explained what I mean when I say "The Universe", well, everyone in my 'Universe' is surrounding me in spirit and the love is as powerful as a tidal wave. It's an incredible feeling. Cancer has no chance of winning against the most powerful weapon in the Universe. My friends and family remind me of this practically every day. I woke up feeling incredibly blessed to have them in my life, and to know that my spiritual family is up there looking out for me, too.
When stress comes at you about a certain situation, seek out 'Sophia', seek out that spiritual wisdom that comes from Mother/Father God, and you will find it in your friends and family. We are not alone in our battles and struggles. Take that love that flows out to you and allow it to move you like a gentle current...downstream, lay back and relax and enjoy the scenery as you pass along the journey. Trying to swim against that current only wears you down and exhausts you. Upstream journeys are, in a sense, like moving 'backwards', 'regressing'. The incredible adventure is before you. Rapids, waterfalls, will certainly also be before you, but therein lies the adventure...to learn to navigate through them and around them. I hit a few rapids yesterday, fearing a forthcoming waterfall, but the wise counsel I received were the tools necessary to navigate, and in the end the journey led to an incredible blessing!
Life is soooo good!
Mother/Father God bless.
Rock on!
I believe God is both masculine and feminine. I know some may find that difficult to swallow, but it is nevertheless a wonderful and comforting, at least to me, insight on God.
Why do I bring this up? Because Mother/Father God worked in my heart yesterday.
I had been struggling with flying up north to see my sister become hand-fasted to her fiance'. I would only be going up for the weekend, for her, but realizing the hectic day for this ceremony that would surround her and I, I became a bit nervous and uncertain if it was a good idea. Regardless of how I believe the Cancer is leaving my body, maintaining a positive mental and emotional state about that, there is the undeniable fact that the chemo treatments have affected my body and began to affect it right away. I had passed out a few times soon after the first few treatments of the latter drugs they used. Being in a crowd of people, in tight quarters caused this. There is also the fact that my immune system has been affected as well as my heart.
Being in a crowd of strangers, with all the activity associated with a wedding ceremony, I began to question the wisdom in this endeavor. I also did not want to hurt my sister by bowing out. I love my family, the closeness that has developed with everyone in my life (my friends, family even co-workers) has become a precious gift to me.
But friends and family offered wisdom and insight. My gut was telling me that going up there was not a good idea, but how to deal with it? What to say to my sister? I was encouraged to talk to her, and so I called. Her response? Complete and total understanding in a voice full of love. She, too, had been worried about my health. We spoke in love of what we could do for a later visit during the Christmas holidays when I'm off from work, when I can afford the time to go up there and just 'visit' her, to really spend quality time together. It was such a wonderful feeling to focus on 'then' rather than 'now' (again, living like there IS a tomorrow.)
The conversation took less than three minutes, the love was there, the restless feeling lifted and I called to cancel my 'Park n' Fly' reservations, as well as my flight reservations. In all, everything took less than 7 minutes to accomplish. I called my friends and family and reported back. Everyone felt good about this. Mother/Father God had moved to ease the situation with swift and unerring peace.
And this morning, as I write this? Well, I explained what I mean when I say "The Universe", well, everyone in my 'Universe' is surrounding me in spirit and the love is as powerful as a tidal wave. It's an incredible feeling. Cancer has no chance of winning against the most powerful weapon in the Universe. My friends and family remind me of this practically every day. I woke up feeling incredibly blessed to have them in my life, and to know that my spiritual family is up there looking out for me, too.
When stress comes at you about a certain situation, seek out 'Sophia', seek out that spiritual wisdom that comes from Mother/Father God, and you will find it in your friends and family. We are not alone in our battles and struggles. Take that love that flows out to you and allow it to move you like a gentle current...downstream, lay back and relax and enjoy the scenery as you pass along the journey. Trying to swim against that current only wears you down and exhausts you. Upstream journeys are, in a sense, like moving 'backwards', 'regressing'. The incredible adventure is before you. Rapids, waterfalls, will certainly also be before you, but therein lies the adventure...to learn to navigate through them and around them. I hit a few rapids yesterday, fearing a forthcoming waterfall, but the wise counsel I received were the tools necessary to navigate, and in the end the journey led to an incredible blessing!
Life is soooo good!
Mother/Father God bless.
Rock on!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Going back to school...
My curriculum in high school sucked big time. I mean it. It S-U-C-K-E-D SUCKED!
We paid the Revolutionary War lip service. Never studied the Civil War, never studied ancient civilizations, never studied other cultures. I look back at my school years with sorrow. Mostly for the lack of initiative, on my part as well as the part of the teachers. The teachers never had a passion for teaching. They searched high and low for a means to lip-service their way through the lessons. Not one teacher, with the exception of my music teacher, had any passion to teach.
So, where do I find the passion to learn? Recently? From watching "Boy Meets World". I kid you not! I've been watching the first two seasons of this show on DVD and heard a very wonderful description from William Daniels' character George Feeny about what education is really about. To learn to think for ourselves. Education is not about a bunch of memorized facts and dates, but about learning to analyze information and to acquire knowledge in the form of 'thinking'. I never really went to college, ( a few semesters, but they don't count) because my desire to learn was never really 'there'. It was never stirred in high school, never given birth. I never knew what I wanted to major in, never really searched my mind for a desire in what kind of career I wanted. Writing? Sure. I write stories, I love words, but back then in high school, it was not something I was encouraged to pursue. I was told it was a dream world and I needed to go the realistic route. Okay. If I couldn't write, I had absolutely no idea what else to do with my life. My desire to learn was stunted in high school.
Now, all I want to do is learn. I would LOVE to go back to school and study history, world civilizations, world religions, mythology, military history, Egyptian and Greek history, Roman history, Celtic history. My desire is so ravenous...but...with this 'situation' regarding my health, that desire is now put on hold, at least as far as a structured school atmosphere/curriculum. I can still teach myself. I can still study on my own time.
I invested in a digital recorder yesterday. Forty bucks. 600 hours. I will learn to make notes from the books I study and how to transfer them, if possible, to CD's so I can listen to that information again and again, learn to apply it to my life, learn what happened centuries ago for us to be where we're at today. Greek civilization is one area of study that I feel very passionate about. I want to study Aristotle, Plato, Socrates. I want to study Sophocles' plays. I want to study the Egyptian pantheon and how that culture lived and worked and played. I have always been fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and writings.
I want to study military history, and "The Art of War". I want to learn...because in that learning, I can write better stories. "The Art of War" can be applied to life, how to deal with confrontation. I want to study the Hindu pantheon, to learn how other cultures think and believe. To love God and Love People, we need to understand those people. When Jesus said to "Love your neighbor", I'm sure we all know that he wasn't just speaking about the people next door or down the street, but those people across the ocean, who may have differing beliefs, but in whose beliefs there are nuggets of truth.
Understanding our fellow neighbors is the first step to loving them. Asking for Wisdom, for Sophia (Yes, Wisdom is feminine...dig it) to grace us with her attributes is a worthy and loving gesture. I want to LEARN!
When I thought all I was dealing with was the need for a hysterectomy, I had determined to go back to school once the surgery was over and I was healed. In my former post, I described Death being the teacher and I was the student. So, in a way, the Universe banded together and said, "Ta-da...you're in school." I accept that, so these other lessons, the ones I mentioned above, are the extra-curricular activities...the extra credit endeavors I plan on diving into.
Life is so fricken full of wondrous things to learn. Why in heaven's name are we not doing so? If I knew in high school what I know now, I would have hit the books harder, I would found teachers who were sincere in their desire to teach, I would have gone to college and pursued a degree in something...be it History, English, Education, or all of the above. Maybe even chemistry or health. This 'situation' may have put a halt to actually being in a literal classroom with other students sitting at desks with textbooks open, but I can go to a library, I can utilize the Internet, I can buy used books on Amazon, including textbooks, and I can teach myself.
Watching "Boy Meets World" last night, I felt that stirring to learn all over again and it was incredible! It's not work, it's a joy. Okay, the homework may be tough, the lessons sometimes might be difficult to understand, but it gives us something to discuss. My first book to study is entitled: "The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior." It's a novel, based on a true story. I'm anxious to get on it. I have Norse Mythology, Celtic Mythology, Greek, Egyptian and Roman mythology, I have opportunities to invest in textbooks on ancient civilizations...all this information at my fingertips, and the question remains...just what the heck am I going to do with all of this?
Simple. Crack open the books, read, and take notes. Study, study, study.
And for entertaining reading, I'll throw in some Shakespeare, The Iliad and the Odyssey. I'll be posting things here as they speak to me, quoting, analyzing. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to this. ;)
Rock on!
We paid the Revolutionary War lip service. Never studied the Civil War, never studied ancient civilizations, never studied other cultures. I look back at my school years with sorrow. Mostly for the lack of initiative, on my part as well as the part of the teachers. The teachers never had a passion for teaching. They searched high and low for a means to lip-service their way through the lessons. Not one teacher, with the exception of my music teacher, had any passion to teach.
So, where do I find the passion to learn? Recently? From watching "Boy Meets World". I kid you not! I've been watching the first two seasons of this show on DVD and heard a very wonderful description from William Daniels' character George Feeny about what education is really about. To learn to think for ourselves. Education is not about a bunch of memorized facts and dates, but about learning to analyze information and to acquire knowledge in the form of 'thinking'. I never really went to college, ( a few semesters, but they don't count) because my desire to learn was never really 'there'. It was never stirred in high school, never given birth. I never knew what I wanted to major in, never really searched my mind for a desire in what kind of career I wanted. Writing? Sure. I write stories, I love words, but back then in high school, it was not something I was encouraged to pursue. I was told it was a dream world and I needed to go the realistic route. Okay. If I couldn't write, I had absolutely no idea what else to do with my life. My desire to learn was stunted in high school.
Now, all I want to do is learn. I would LOVE to go back to school and study history, world civilizations, world religions, mythology, military history, Egyptian and Greek history, Roman history, Celtic history. My desire is so ravenous...but...with this 'situation' regarding my health, that desire is now put on hold, at least as far as a structured school atmosphere/curriculum. I can still teach myself. I can still study on my own time.
I invested in a digital recorder yesterday. Forty bucks. 600 hours. I will learn to make notes from the books I study and how to transfer them, if possible, to CD's so I can listen to that information again and again, learn to apply it to my life, learn what happened centuries ago for us to be where we're at today. Greek civilization is one area of study that I feel very passionate about. I want to study Aristotle, Plato, Socrates. I want to study Sophocles' plays. I want to study the Egyptian pantheon and how that culture lived and worked and played. I have always been fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and writings.
I want to study military history, and "The Art of War". I want to learn...because in that learning, I can write better stories. "The Art of War" can be applied to life, how to deal with confrontation. I want to study the Hindu pantheon, to learn how other cultures think and believe. To love God and Love People, we need to understand those people. When Jesus said to "Love your neighbor", I'm sure we all know that he wasn't just speaking about the people next door or down the street, but those people across the ocean, who may have differing beliefs, but in whose beliefs there are nuggets of truth.
Understanding our fellow neighbors is the first step to loving them. Asking for Wisdom, for Sophia (Yes, Wisdom is feminine...dig it) to grace us with her attributes is a worthy and loving gesture. I want to LEARN!
When I thought all I was dealing with was the need for a hysterectomy, I had determined to go back to school once the surgery was over and I was healed. In my former post, I described Death being the teacher and I was the student. So, in a way, the Universe banded together and said, "Ta-da...you're in school." I accept that, so these other lessons, the ones I mentioned above, are the extra-curricular activities...the extra credit endeavors I plan on diving into.
Life is so fricken full of wondrous things to learn. Why in heaven's name are we not doing so? If I knew in high school what I know now, I would have hit the books harder, I would found teachers who were sincere in their desire to teach, I would have gone to college and pursued a degree in something...be it History, English, Education, or all of the above. Maybe even chemistry or health. This 'situation' may have put a halt to actually being in a literal classroom with other students sitting at desks with textbooks open, but I can go to a library, I can utilize the Internet, I can buy used books on Amazon, including textbooks, and I can teach myself.
Watching "Boy Meets World" last night, I felt that stirring to learn all over again and it was incredible! It's not work, it's a joy. Okay, the homework may be tough, the lessons sometimes might be difficult to understand, but it gives us something to discuss. My first book to study is entitled: "The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior." It's a novel, based on a true story. I'm anxious to get on it. I have Norse Mythology, Celtic Mythology, Greek, Egyptian and Roman mythology, I have opportunities to invest in textbooks on ancient civilizations...all this information at my fingertips, and the question remains...just what the heck am I going to do with all of this?
Simple. Crack open the books, read, and take notes. Study, study, study.
And for entertaining reading, I'll throw in some Shakespeare, The Iliad and the Odyssey. I'll be posting things here as they speak to me, quoting, analyzing. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to this. ;)
Rock on!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
What I could lose, if I let Death take me now...
This isn't going to be a post based on religious or monotheistic beliefs...it's really more deeper than that, more a spiritual epiphany. I believe in God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, the Trinity, yes, but as I told my sister-in-law and friends, I don't box them in. I'm open to new ways of seeing spirituality, because I've seen miracles in my life this last year that have proven to me that God is bigger than our interpretations of Him. Much bigger. And the joy that comes from God comes from the discovery of how vast the Universe is and to know that God, who I believe is both masculine and feminine, a Mother-Father God, if you will, is in every aspect of that universe, every nook and cranny, every shaft of sun and moonlight, every wisp of cloud, every drop of rain, every breath we inhale and exhale, and every sound the universe makes, from the explosion of a dead world, to the explosion of a new one being born, from every cry of a newborn bird, to the song that bird makes when reaching adulthood.
God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)
So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.
What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.
When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.
To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.
Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.
I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)
Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.
Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)
Rock on!
God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)
So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.
What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.
When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.
To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.
Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.
I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)
Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.
Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)
Rock on!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Heart Scan results and not giving up...
The heart scan doc wanted me to take showed positive for damage, so she's taken me completely off the chemo drugs for 6 weeks. She said that the heart can heal, so I'm thinking positive in that area while at the same time, continuing to envision the tumor shrinking...without the chemo. :) Yes! I believe in miracles and that medical drugs are not the ONLY way to fight this thing. The power of faith and the mind, the spirit, the soul, the entirety of who we are as living beings can work against negative cowardly diseases and push them back into nothing...making them disappear. Cancer is a bully...plain and simple. When you face a bully head-on, fight back, get in their faces, they shrink away and nurse their wounds. Once they realize they can't control you, they go into 'ignore' mode. Cancer is a bully, it's a coward...it attacks unseen, thinking it can get the upper hand. I say phooey on that! We *can* have doubts about fighting it, that's normal, but we can also find uplifting ways to be able to pump us up and get us back into the ring. No way am I throwing in the towel. The damage to the heart was not unexpected. When first starting these drugs, the doctor informed me that they could affect the heart. Okay. That's just God, the Universe, telling me to take a step back and let THEM take care of it, both the heart and the cancer. My angels, God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, even my ancestors...I feel my grandma and papa with me so close and offering their support. It's not a step back...it's a means to re-energize in order to get back into the game and continue going to the next level.
It's gonna be okay. It IS okay.
My only concern? Now that I have my appetite back in full swing, I'm concerned about gaining back the weight I lost. LOL! I actually like being between 145-150 pounds, even though I got here mostly by the chemo killing my appetite. (I'd lost 40 pounds before being diagnosed with cancer.) It's a far cry from the 239 I was over a year ago. Stocking up on fruits and veggies and whole grains, omega-3 eggs and spinach, oatmeal, nuts and all sorts of yogurt. I can maintain this weight for 6 weeks. You betcha!
Rock on!
It's gonna be okay. It IS okay.
My only concern? Now that I have my appetite back in full swing, I'm concerned about gaining back the weight I lost. LOL! I actually like being between 145-150 pounds, even though I got here mostly by the chemo killing my appetite. (I'd lost 40 pounds before being diagnosed with cancer.) It's a far cry from the 239 I was over a year ago. Stocking up on fruits and veggies and whole grains, omega-3 eggs and spinach, oatmeal, nuts and all sorts of yogurt. I can maintain this weight for 6 weeks. You betcha!
Rock on!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Miracles at the beginning: Part 2 - The support of Strangers
When facing this situation at the beginning, and even more-so throughout, I began to see little things happen that most people take for granted. A smile, a kind word, parking spaces opening up for you without having to wait, elevator doors opening up for you without you even having to lift a finger to push the button. One particular miracle happened while waiting for my turn in the Radiation department. I sat beside an African-American man, truly from Africa, accent and all. I smiled, he smiled. Asked me how I was doing, I replied, a gesture of a fist showing determination, "I'm doing great. You?" He said, "I'm doing great." I asked him; "You're fighting the fight?" He lifted his fist, determined. "I'm fighting the fight. You?" I thrust my fist up and smiled. "Oh, yes!" We each had a round flash buzzer, that lights up and sends off a buzz when it's our turn. His immediately went off. I pointed to his when it went off and said, "It's your turn!" He smiled and said; "I knew you sitting beside me would be good luck." I grinned and replied; "Keep fighting." "You, too."
We saw each other again the next day. "Are you still fighting?" he asked. I said, fist in the air, "Still fighting!" We smiled at each other and separated to go into our chambers.
With scarf on the head and yellow band for cancer on my wrist, people know what's happening to me. They smile. One woman not two weeks ago walked by me and said, "You go, Girl."
My sister-in-law reminded me, as well as a magazine article about 9/11, of which the 9th anniversary was commemorated just a few days ago, that we shouldn't be remembering the tragedy. The victims and their families, yes, but we should not be commemorating the tragedy, that dark day in our history...we should be remembering the days after the tragedy when countries from around the world stood with us in support, total strangers. We should be remembering how our country pulled together, the acts of love and support from stranger to stranger.
When you're out and about today, and you catch a stranger's eye...smile and let them know we are as one. Don't let something tragic happen to you or those around you to bring these words to life and meaning: "Love your neighbor." I know that sounds preachy and if so, I'm very sorry, but in beating this 'situation', which my friends and I call it (I'm learning not to say I'm fighting cancer, I'm learning to say, I'm beating this situation), I've learned that life is too short, too precious to squander away an opportunity to embrace it to its fullest, and the way to do that is to LOVE. It will not only probably make the stranger feel good that a person bothered to acknowledge them in this world, but it will DEFINITELY make YOU feel good doing it. It's a win-win anyway you look at it. :)
Rock on!
We saw each other again the next day. "Are you still fighting?" he asked. I said, fist in the air, "Still fighting!" We smiled at each other and separated to go into our chambers.
With scarf on the head and yellow band for cancer on my wrist, people know what's happening to me. They smile. One woman not two weeks ago walked by me and said, "You go, Girl."
My sister-in-law reminded me, as well as a magazine article about 9/11, of which the 9th anniversary was commemorated just a few days ago, that we shouldn't be remembering the tragedy. The victims and their families, yes, but we should not be commemorating the tragedy, that dark day in our history...we should be remembering the days after the tragedy when countries from around the world stood with us in support, total strangers. We should be remembering how our country pulled together, the acts of love and support from stranger to stranger.
When you're out and about today, and you catch a stranger's eye...smile and let them know we are as one. Don't let something tragic happen to you or those around you to bring these words to life and meaning: "Love your neighbor." I know that sounds preachy and if so, I'm very sorry, but in beating this 'situation', which my friends and I call it (I'm learning not to say I'm fighting cancer, I'm learning to say, I'm beating this situation), I've learned that life is too short, too precious to squander away an opportunity to embrace it to its fullest, and the way to do that is to LOVE. It will not only probably make the stranger feel good that a person bothered to acknowledge them in this world, but it will DEFINITELY make YOU feel good doing it. It's a win-win anyway you look at it. :)
Rock on!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Miracles at the beginning of this fight Part 1
When I first began treatment, I had two cycles of chemo when my doctor wanted me to start radiation treatment. I began radiation on March 8th, 2010. I was scheduled for two weeks. So many things happened during this time, it's difficult to pinpoint where to begin sharing. The tumor is in the pelvic area, above the vagina, right where the tumor was located in the uterus, lower left pelvic region, spreading to the middle. The radiation was centered there. The treatments only lasted about 5 minutes, but after a few days I began to get ill. Diarrhea, vomiting. My friend, Carmen, offered to bring me to her house to watch 'Duran Duran - Live From London' one night. We are both Duran Duran fans and I was so wanting to do this with her. My mom was staying with me so she was there when I had a vomiting episode minutes before Carmen showed up. When she did arrive she said she would take care of me, and I was determined to do this thing. Mom saw my face before I left, fighting off the nausea. I went off and forgot my ginger-ale. Carmen, bless her heart, sent her husband to go get me some, which, bless his heart, he did without any hesitation. We put the DVD in, and Carmen's sister showed up and the three of us had a wonderful time. I laid on the couch, my feet hanging over Carmen's lap. We sang, waved our arms, really had a wonderful time.
When I came home that night, I was smiling. Mom looked at me and said, "You need music. The difference in your face is like night and day." I said, "I have a CD player around here I can use, but I just need to find it." She commented heavily on how the music had worked to pick me up out of the pit. The next day, my friend Jim came over and talked to me about what I needed to do to put my mind in the framework of fighting the cancer. He guided me on a meditation and knew about my love of Led Zeppelin, asking me about the guitar solo for me to call up in my mind as a means of attacking the tumor. Afterwards, he said, "You're full of knowledge and desire, but where's your heart?" I said, "I would have to say my heart is really in the music I listen to." He said, "Then that's what you need to do, surround yourself with music." He had not spoken to my mom about this. In 24 hours I got two similar messages...use music.
The next week I had more radiation. I got so sick when I came home one night from that days' treatment that when I was done vomiting I laid on my bed. My mom put a cool cloth to my face and threw my CD player next to me with the earphones. "Turn your music on!" she commanded. Zeppelin's "The Song Remains The Same" disc 1 was inside. I hooked up and Mom said that within just a few minutes, my face relaxed, and the trauma began to subside. It did. Jimmy's guitar playing, Robert's voice, the drums, the bass and keyboards...all of it took me away from the bad.
Later that week, I went out and invested in an MP3 player, which I use constantly. Both Duran Duran and Led Zeppelin are on there, as well as other groups and singers. And it's true...music heals...the spirit, the body. Think about what groups you like to listen to and determine which ones really pull you out of whatever doldrums or crises you find yourself in...what do these musicians and singers do for you to lift your spirits? Is it the lyrics, the voice, the background instrumentation, the melodies? All of the above? You may be surprised at what music really does for you. I never knew until I started going through this, how wonderful it is to let the music take us away from what is bringing us down. Oh, I had an inkling, sure. Led Zeppelin has always moved me in ways that is hard to explain, but to really bring joy in the midst of battling cancer...no words can really give that experience justice. :)
Rock on!
(Stay tuned for Miracles Part 2-the support of strangers.) ::grin::
When I came home that night, I was smiling. Mom looked at me and said, "You need music. The difference in your face is like night and day." I said, "I have a CD player around here I can use, but I just need to find it." She commented heavily on how the music had worked to pick me up out of the pit. The next day, my friend Jim came over and talked to me about what I needed to do to put my mind in the framework of fighting the cancer. He guided me on a meditation and knew about my love of Led Zeppelin, asking me about the guitar solo for me to call up in my mind as a means of attacking the tumor. Afterwards, he said, "You're full of knowledge and desire, but where's your heart?" I said, "I would have to say my heart is really in the music I listen to." He said, "Then that's what you need to do, surround yourself with music." He had not spoken to my mom about this. In 24 hours I got two similar messages...use music.
The next week I had more radiation. I got so sick when I came home one night from that days' treatment that when I was done vomiting I laid on my bed. My mom put a cool cloth to my face and threw my CD player next to me with the earphones. "Turn your music on!" she commanded. Zeppelin's "The Song Remains The Same" disc 1 was inside. I hooked up and Mom said that within just a few minutes, my face relaxed, and the trauma began to subside. It did. Jimmy's guitar playing, Robert's voice, the drums, the bass and keyboards...all of it took me away from the bad.
Later that week, I went out and invested in an MP3 player, which I use constantly. Both Duran Duran and Led Zeppelin are on there, as well as other groups and singers. And it's true...music heals...the spirit, the body. Think about what groups you like to listen to and determine which ones really pull you out of whatever doldrums or crises you find yourself in...what do these musicians and singers do for you to lift your spirits? Is it the lyrics, the voice, the background instrumentation, the melodies? All of the above? You may be surprised at what music really does for you. I never knew until I started going through this, how wonderful it is to let the music take us away from what is bringing us down. Oh, I had an inkling, sure. Led Zeppelin has always moved me in ways that is hard to explain, but to really bring joy in the midst of battling cancer...no words can really give that experience justice. :)
Rock on!
(Stay tuned for Miracles Part 2-the support of strangers.) ::grin::
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Reprieve!
Vance and Barbi came down Thursday night to be with me for the next morning's chemo treatment. I was psyching myself out, telling myself, "It's only for 5 hours. Just five hours out of your life to help save your life." (My sister's words echoed in my brain: "Do you have anything better to do with your life other than to save it?") Vance and Barbi were there, I had the support...I was ready.
My doctor came in. She told me that with these drugs, I had gone through 6 cycles. "I can probably push it with one more, but I really don't want to do that." The drugs affect the heart, could cause heart failure. She said she wanted to try something different. I would have to have a heart scan to determine the correct dosage, but that I could go on a chemo pill, instead of using the intravenous method. She told me to drink 2 ounces of Aloe Vera juice, and to eat a half can of asperagus with the juice a day. She wanted me to do Yoga. She wanted to see me in 5 weeks. She said she believed in miracles, the power of the mind. She told me; "I don't want you to think about the cancer right now. I want you to start living your life as normally as you can." She asked about how going back to work was working for me. I told her that it had done wonders for me (mentally and emotionally, it was the best thing I could have done for myself to get me out of depression. The walls had started closing in and I needed to break out of the darkness that threatened to eat me alive.) I asked her, "So, no chemo today?" She shook her head. I about cried right then. I wrote down her instructions, looked up from my notebook and said, "We're going to beat this, aren't we, Doc?" She smiled and nodded. "We're going to beat this." We hugged.
The joy of sharing that moment with my brother and sister-in-love was wonderful! I walked out of there, tears, smiles...joy! Barbi said it was like Christmas. Vance said, "It IS like Christmas." We went to Starbucks, Best Buy to pick up a Magick Bullet set, went to visit my friend Carmen at her work to give the news to her face-to-face. I called Marla, went home called all I could think of. Vance needed to go home, Barbi said she would stay with me this weekend, even though without the chemo treatment there was no need, but I really am glad she stayed, we've had such a great day today. Starting up this blog, sharing, talking, bonding! It's been a joy to have her here. Tomorrow we go food shopping to keep me on 'staying' healthy. I am of the belief that I am healed, whole and complete...just waiting for my body to catch up to my spirit. :)
Life is good!
My doctor came in. She told me that with these drugs, I had gone through 6 cycles. "I can probably push it with one more, but I really don't want to do that." The drugs affect the heart, could cause heart failure. She said she wanted to try something different. I would have to have a heart scan to determine the correct dosage, but that I could go on a chemo pill, instead of using the intravenous method. She told me to drink 2 ounces of Aloe Vera juice, and to eat a half can of asperagus with the juice a day. She wanted me to do Yoga. She wanted to see me in 5 weeks. She said she believed in miracles, the power of the mind. She told me; "I don't want you to think about the cancer right now. I want you to start living your life as normally as you can." She asked about how going back to work was working for me. I told her that it had done wonders for me (mentally and emotionally, it was the best thing I could have done for myself to get me out of depression. The walls had started closing in and I needed to break out of the darkness that threatened to eat me alive.) I asked her, "So, no chemo today?" She shook her head. I about cried right then. I wrote down her instructions, looked up from my notebook and said, "We're going to beat this, aren't we, Doc?" She smiled and nodded. "We're going to beat this." We hugged.
The joy of sharing that moment with my brother and sister-in-love was wonderful! I walked out of there, tears, smiles...joy! Barbi said it was like Christmas. Vance said, "It IS like Christmas." We went to Starbucks, Best Buy to pick up a Magick Bullet set, went to visit my friend Carmen at her work to give the news to her face-to-face. I called Marla, went home called all I could think of. Vance needed to go home, Barbi said she would stay with me this weekend, even though without the chemo treatment there was no need, but I really am glad she stayed, we've had such a great day today. Starting up this blog, sharing, talking, bonding! It's been a joy to have her here. Tomorrow we go food shopping to keep me on 'staying' healthy. I am of the belief that I am healed, whole and complete...just waiting for my body to catch up to my spirit. :)
Life is good!
Entry posted on Facebook August 16, 2010
(Recorded after family came down to be with me and my niece, Brianna, and I had a wonderful talk that night after she arrived. See entry entitled 'September 9th')
In this fight against cancer, I use music. Especially Led Zeppelin. For the last few weeks, dealing with searching out disability options, getting severely depressed at how little help there is for me out there regarding such options, I put listening to music on hold. I shouldn't have done that. I realize even more how much music is a weapon, especially the guitar playing of one Jimmy Page. There's something about his playing that stirs my spirit, moves me to heights I can't explain. Yesterday I spoke to my mom of the possibility of dying. The depression has been like an enemy crouching in the shadows swiping at my legs should I get too close, causing major stumbling in this fight. A need to retreat, regroup, gather bearings and get a better perspective of strategy. I got depressed again yesterday, wondering what this 'incurable' talk was all about. I've lived a good life, but far from long enough. I'm really enjoying my life, especially the last few years, just reaching out and enjoying it. Now this has happened and it's a threat to my happiness, not just my life.
Enter music. I went home from lunch, Mom was with me. I have no satellite dish or cable, so all I have to watch are DVD's. I needed some Zeppelin, so I put on "The Song Remains The Same" and the Zeppelin DVD's that Jimmy Page released back in 2003. As I laid on my little hide-away bed in the living room, Mom sat in the chair beside me, reading her book and watching every once in a while as Jimmy plucked his guitar and made 'noise', but such beautiful noise. Full of life from his own soul. I immersed myself in the journey he took me on and began to 'feel' that joy within. Mom fell asleep, turning her hearing aids off. I indulged in the music. This time the tears shed were of joy, not depression. I needed to get back into the positive angle of this fight, pushing off the depression that seemed to gnaw at me for the last few weeks. I think going back to work is part of that positive strategy. I need to get the heck out of this cubby hole and back into my life. To live like there IS a tomorrow. I know this all sounds very Hall-markish, Pollyana, what have you, but I really was able to touch that positive side of things again. Then, in the performance Zeppelin gave in 1970 at the Royal Albert Hall, Robert Plant clapped his hands and told the audience: "I want you to think about the good things in life." A few minutes later, my brother and his family pulled in from Bakersfield to help me through today's chemo treatment.
I got the message. I felt better, and started thanking God for my healing. And I really 'felt' it, the joy of knowing that I 'can' and 'will' be healed. Sometimes we say the positive, hoping that it will work out. Last night, I said the positive 'knowing' it will work out and is already on its way...I just need to 'think about the good things in life' and put my boys on to play when that depression tries to raise its ugly head again. I was stupid for not putting them on at the beginning of this encounter with depression. I'm taking my MP3 player with me today and listening to them. I'm bringing a book on building up vocabulary to keep my mind going. I've got my brother and sister-in-law, my niece, nephew and mom to help as well. I've got friends and family living far away, and close by, who are with me in spirit. I've got many 'good things in life'. I just need to focus on them.
Pagey is taking his guitar fret board and, in my mind, using it as a sword to battle off the tumor. The one main guitar solo I apply to that visualization is "Achilles Last Stand". When they hook up the IV to start the treatment today, I'll start off with that song.
With my family and friends so close, the good things in life all boil down to the love that can surround us in dark times. I told my niece that last night. There's such love around me that I haven't experienced in my entire life, because it's all there to help with the fight. "The good things in life" are just that...'good'. Simple teachings, but so very difficult to maintain when you're facing death. My mom has a lung disease that is slowly eating away her life, and she told me that she's been facing death for so long, it doesn't bother her anymore. That I'm just now facing death and it's something I've never really had to think about before. Hence the depression.
But it's going to be okay. All of it. The good things in life were hidden from me for a few weeks, because I got tripped up and couldn't see beyond the ground I stumbled onto. I'm back on my feet now and in spite of dealing with a chemo treatment today, it's going to be a good day.
:)
Rock on.
In this fight against cancer, I use music. Especially Led Zeppelin. For the last few weeks, dealing with searching out disability options, getting severely depressed at how little help there is for me out there regarding such options, I put listening to music on hold. I shouldn't have done that. I realize even more how much music is a weapon, especially the guitar playing of one Jimmy Page. There's something about his playing that stirs my spirit, moves me to heights I can't explain. Yesterday I spoke to my mom of the possibility of dying. The depression has been like an enemy crouching in the shadows swiping at my legs should I get too close, causing major stumbling in this fight. A need to retreat, regroup, gather bearings and get a better perspective of strategy. I got depressed again yesterday, wondering what this 'incurable' talk was all about. I've lived a good life, but far from long enough. I'm really enjoying my life, especially the last few years, just reaching out and enjoying it. Now this has happened and it's a threat to my happiness, not just my life.
Enter music. I went home from lunch, Mom was with me. I have no satellite dish or cable, so all I have to watch are DVD's. I needed some Zeppelin, so I put on "The Song Remains The Same" and the Zeppelin DVD's that Jimmy Page released back in 2003. As I laid on my little hide-away bed in the living room, Mom sat in the chair beside me, reading her book and watching every once in a while as Jimmy plucked his guitar and made 'noise', but such beautiful noise. Full of life from his own soul. I immersed myself in the journey he took me on and began to 'feel' that joy within. Mom fell asleep, turning her hearing aids off. I indulged in the music. This time the tears shed were of joy, not depression. I needed to get back into the positive angle of this fight, pushing off the depression that seemed to gnaw at me for the last few weeks. I think going back to work is part of that positive strategy. I need to get the heck out of this cubby hole and back into my life. To live like there IS a tomorrow. I know this all sounds very Hall-markish, Pollyana, what have you, but I really was able to touch that positive side of things again. Then, in the performance Zeppelin gave in 1970 at the Royal Albert Hall, Robert Plant clapped his hands and told the audience: "I want you to think about the good things in life." A few minutes later, my brother and his family pulled in from Bakersfield to help me through today's chemo treatment.
I got the message. I felt better, and started thanking God for my healing. And I really 'felt' it, the joy of knowing that I 'can' and 'will' be healed. Sometimes we say the positive, hoping that it will work out. Last night, I said the positive 'knowing' it will work out and is already on its way...I just need to 'think about the good things in life' and put my boys on to play when that depression tries to raise its ugly head again. I was stupid for not putting them on at the beginning of this encounter with depression. I'm taking my MP3 player with me today and listening to them. I'm bringing a book on building up vocabulary to keep my mind going. I've got my brother and sister-in-law, my niece, nephew and mom to help as well. I've got friends and family living far away, and close by, who are with me in spirit. I've got many 'good things in life'. I just need to focus on them.
Pagey is taking his guitar fret board and, in my mind, using it as a sword to battle off the tumor. The one main guitar solo I apply to that visualization is "Achilles Last Stand". When they hook up the IV to start the treatment today, I'll start off with that song.
With my family and friends so close, the good things in life all boil down to the love that can surround us in dark times. I told my niece that last night. There's such love around me that I haven't experienced in my entire life, because it's all there to help with the fight. "The good things in life" are just that...'good'. Simple teachings, but so very difficult to maintain when you're facing death. My mom has a lung disease that is slowly eating away her life, and she told me that she's been facing death for so long, it doesn't bother her anymore. That I'm just now facing death and it's something I've never really had to think about before. Hence the depression.
But it's going to be okay. All of it. The good things in life were hidden from me for a few weeks, because I got tripped up and couldn't see beyond the ground I stumbled onto. I'm back on my feet now and in spite of dealing with a chemo treatment today, it's going to be a good day.
:)
Rock on.
From paper notebook: September 9th, 2010
At work we listen to a classic rock station called "The Sound", they play only vinyl albums. It was triple play Thursday, where they play 3 songs from each group or singer throughout the day. One set was The Beatles. The last chemo treatment I had, my brother, Vance, my sister-in-love, Barbi, my niece, Brianna, and my nephew Brad all came down to stay with me for the treatment. I was feeling rather down that day (details to be given in another post, originally published on my Facebook page), anyway, when talking to my niece Brianna that night, explaining to her what I had experienced earlier that day and what I had discovered just before they called to say they had arrived, she said: "That Beatles song applies here: "All you need is love."" We laughed! It was true!
Today they played that song, just as I was thinking about the chemo treatment due tomorrow. Five hours in a chemo chair, getting sick while it's happening, is something you just naturally learn to dread...with a passion. The song played and I remembered Brianna's words, that special night my family was with me before heading out that next morning for that dreaded intravenous monster. I called Brianna immediately to share, that even though I knew she could not be with me for 'this' treatment, she was still with me in spirit. Another tap on the shoulder from God saying, "I'm with you. Hang in there."
I love my family!
Today they played that song, just as I was thinking about the chemo treatment due tomorrow. Five hours in a chemo chair, getting sick while it's happening, is something you just naturally learn to dread...with a passion. The song played and I remembered Brianna's words, that special night my family was with me before heading out that next morning for that dreaded intravenous monster. I called Brianna immediately to share, that even though I knew she could not be with me for 'this' treatment, she was still with me in spirit. Another tap on the shoulder from God saying, "I'm with you. Hang in there."
I love my family!
From paper notebook: Sept. 8, 2010, when I thought I would be having another chemo treatment...
Brianna's birthday is today. She turns 20 years old. My niece. Amazing how fast the time has gone!.
Drizzling today, nice and cool. Can't wait for fall and winter to get here. :)
I have another chemo treatment on Friday. Vance and Barbi coming down tomorrow night to be with me on this journey. The only thing that makes it bearable is for my family to be here. I truly believe that without the love of friends and family I would give up. There would be no reason to hang on. So much to hang onto this life for. Vance, Barbi, Brianna and Brad, Julie, Shelly, my kitty (Strypurr...aka: Bubboo), Carmen, my mom, my sister Marla, many others...life is so full of things and people we take for granted every day. This disease is pissing me off! How dare it try to sneak in like the coward it is and try to steal my life? How dare this disease think it will win? I am so PISSED OFF at this situation. The anger, in this case, is a powerful weapon. Sometimes I need that anger to show me how much power over this situation I really have. I have a life to live and I INTEND TO LIVE IT! It's like my friend, Jim, said: "You can't just 'want' to live...you have to 'intend' to stay." Well, my intention, road-to-hell-paved-with or not, is to LIVE, LIVE LIVE! Stamp this package of cancer: "Rejected - Return to Sender", thank you very much. :)
Drizzling today, nice and cool. Can't wait for fall and winter to get here. :)
I have another chemo treatment on Friday. Vance and Barbi coming down tomorrow night to be with me on this journey. The only thing that makes it bearable is for my family to be here. I truly believe that without the love of friends and family I would give up. There would be no reason to hang on. So much to hang onto this life for. Vance, Barbi, Brianna and Brad, Julie, Shelly, my kitty (Strypurr...aka: Bubboo), Carmen, my mom, my sister Marla, many others...life is so full of things and people we take for granted every day. This disease is pissing me off! How dare it try to sneak in like the coward it is and try to steal my life? How dare this disease think it will win? I am so PISSED OFF at this situation. The anger, in this case, is a powerful weapon. Sometimes I need that anger to show me how much power over this situation I really have. I have a life to live and I INTEND TO LIVE IT! It's like my friend, Jim, said: "You can't just 'want' to live...you have to 'intend' to stay." Well, my intention, road-to-hell-paved-with or not, is to LIVE, LIVE LIVE! Stamp this package of cancer: "Rejected - Return to Sender", thank you very much. :)
A journaling from my paper notebook: September 7, 2010
Asked Julie last night to help me with meditation, to envision the tumor literally disappearing inside golden light (her idea). She and I bonded a great deal over this Labor Day weekend. She's into a group called "The 69 Eyes" (from Finland), and we shared pics and videos on YouTube, had a great time just losing ourselves in FUN. She has the "Eyes" and I have "Led Zeppelin" Life, especially with musical inspiration, is good!
Achilles Last Stand
This song I use to visualize Jimmy's guitar solo attacking my tumor. Not only do the notes sound aggressive for such a task, but I also envision the fret board of his guitar being used as a type of sword, stabbing the tumor, demolishing it! When asked what I thought was the most angry guitar solo Jimmy had ever done, I could not come up with one, but I could come up with what I thought was his most passionate. The man who led me in a guided meditation told me to call up the solo from "Achilles Last Stand" and envision the notes destroying the tumor. By also envisioning the fret board scenario, I took the visualization one step further. :)
It was an April morning when they told us we should go
As I turn to you, you smiled at me
How could we say no?
With all the fun to have, to live the dreams we always had
Oh, the songs to sing, when we at last return again
Sending off a glancing kiss, to those who claim they know
Below the streets that steam and hiss,
The devil's in his hole
Oh to sail away, To sandy lands and other days
Oh to touch the dream, Hides inside and never seen.
Into the sun the south the north, at last the birds have flown
The shackles of commitment fell, In pieces on the ground
Oh to ride the wind, To tread the air above the din
Oh to laugh aloud, Dancing as we fought the crowd
To seek the man whose pointing hand, The giant step unfolds
With guidance from the curving path, That churns up into stone
If one bell should ring, in celebration for a king
So fast the heart should beat, As proud the head with heavy feet.
Days went by when you and I, bathed in eternal summers glow
As far away and distant, Our mutual child did grow
Oh the sweet refrain, Soothes the soul and calms the pain
Oh Albion remains, sleeping now to rise again
Wandering & wandering, What place to rest the search
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
From the earth...
I know the way, know the way, know the way, know the way (X2)
Oh the mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth.
It was an April morning when they told us we should go
As I turn to you, you smiled at me
How could we say no?
With all the fun to have, to live the dreams we always had
Oh, the songs to sing, when we at last return again
Sending off a glancing kiss, to those who claim they know
Below the streets that steam and hiss,
The devil's in his hole
Oh to sail away, To sandy lands and other days
Oh to touch the dream, Hides inside and never seen.
Into the sun the south the north, at last the birds have flown
The shackles of commitment fell, In pieces on the ground
Oh to ride the wind, To tread the air above the din
Oh to laugh aloud, Dancing as we fought the crowd
To seek the man whose pointing hand, The giant step unfolds
With guidance from the curving path, That churns up into stone
If one bell should ring, in celebration for a king
So fast the heart should beat, As proud the head with heavy feet.
Days went by when you and I, bathed in eternal summers glow
As far away and distant, Our mutual child did grow
Oh the sweet refrain, Soothes the soul and calms the pain
Oh Albion remains, sleeping now to rise again
Wandering & wandering, What place to rest the search
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
From the earth...
I know the way, know the way, know the way, know the way (X2)
Oh the mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth.
My first entry!
Just to say hello to those who stumbled their way, or perhaps were led, here. :)
Welcome!
Welcome!
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