It's been some time since last I posted.
First off, there will be no surgery to remove the tumor as the head oncologist fears microscopic cancer cells in pelvic area could form new tumors if oxygen hits. He said that removing the tumor will only cause more problems and I'm okay with that. :)
I've been drinking my Essiac tea and believing that the Universe is moving. It left my sister-in-luv, Barbi, able to go to Bulgaria. She had her reservations about going, worried about the possibility of my having surgery. She wanted to be here for that to help take care of me. When I told her that surgery was a 'no go', it was about 30 minutes after she put it to God that she wanted to go to Bulgaria. My calling her to tell her this news was an answer for her to go. She is now returning after 3 weeks being in a land she adores with people she loves.
I made a deal with Mother/Father God...if they healed me I would teach. I am being healed. I am teaching. I don't look for students. They come to me. When I learn new things, the Universe sends me people who need the info. I just learned. It's amazing!
I made it very clear that I will not go and search out students. They are to cross my path when the Universe says it's time and never a moment before. About 15 people crossed my path at work when I returned after learning the tumor's 'demise' report. They wanted to learn about the Essiac. Two people on Facebook contacted me within minutes of my posting the report. The Universe began to move.
What they do with the information is up to them. I simply passed on what I had learned from my experience. This is teaching. I crossed paths with a grocery worker yesterday who told me that her two aunts had cancer. I gave her the Essiac information. Hopefully, it will help. :)
I am learning other things as well. I do not put Mother/Father God in a box, nor do I stick to a dogma or specific doctrine. I've learned that the Universal energies of creation are larger, more complex than what man can imagine. I search all forms of learning, expanding my mind in general. I search out music, philosophies, literature. The Universe teaches, using many forms of mediums. I am seeking.
Am currently reading "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman. I should say 're-reading' it. I read it a few years ago, but was unable to appreciate the storyline until now. I am also reading 'Dracula', 'Frankenstein', and seeking out more ways to expand my mind. Just listened to, for the first time, "Operation: Mindcrime" by Queensryche. (My friend, Julie, has told me of this album quite a few times and I just decided to give it a listen.) I will need to listen to it again and again before the music grows on me, but the conceptual goal from the group during this creation is powerful. Many lines from the songs make powerful statements.
I don't want to waste my time on this earth by easing through life. I want to learn, grow, and pass on any insights that may come my way. It's a deal I made with Mother/Father God and I intend to keep it.
Quote for the day:
"And I raise my head and stare into the eyes of a stranger. I've always known that the mirror never lies. People always turn away from the eyes of a stranger, afraid to know what lies behind the stare." -Queensryche: "Eyes Of A Stranger" (Operation: Mindcrime)-
Let's stop turning away from strangers. This past Friday morning as I was entering a grocery store, a woman came out who was a total stranger. We smiled and said 'Good morning' to each other. It was a wonderful experience. Don't pass by an opportunity like that. If you can, make someone's day with a smile. It will make your day, as well. I'm tired of the way the world is turning so selfish and unloving. We CAN make a difference, all we have to do is...just do it.
Pass it on.
Rock on!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Praise the Universe!
Yesterday, went to see oncologist, Dr. Hu. Had a CT scan almost two weeks ago. First words out of her mouth: "Where have you been? I've been trying to contact you. Does your phone work?" I explained I had to lower my phone plan to basic service and there is no voice mail anymore, but that she can contact me on my cell phone. "Well, I've been trying to tell you the good news!" I took her hands. "Doc, tell me what's going on!" She said: "The tumor is continuing to shrink." (Mind you, this is going on 3 months with NO chemo!) Now, when we originally began this fight, the tumor was around 8-9 centimeters. With the chemo treatments it shrunk to about 5.2 centimeters. She reported that it is now down to 4.6 X 4.2 centimeters! It is now small enough for them to go in surgically and remove the rest!! She asked me what I was doing these last 3 months as she was very surprised and impressed that it had continued to shrink without the chemotherapy. I told her all that I'm doing. Positive proclamations, thinking, prayer, having a lot of people pray, a lot of people sending positive energy...and Essiac Tea. I've been drinking the tea for about five or six months, now without telling her. I've since learned she is a very open-minded doctor.
She told me to 'write it down for me.' I did so and answered some of her questions. She said, "This is the third time I've heard of this tea. Two other people have said they are using it for preventive. You're the first one I've heard of that is actually using it to 'treat' cancer." She was going to put me on a chemo pill, but with the asparagus and aloe vera juice routine, as well as the tea she said she wants me to continue doing what I'm doing, and...to up the dosage of the tea. "This sounds like very potent stuff." She immediately put an e-mail through to the head oncologist of the department to see if they can't schedule a surgery to remove the last of the tumor. What is so great about this doctor is that she confessed that there are things doctor's don't know. Many things. I got the very strong impression that if she hears of something that works outside the realm of medical science, she is receptive to allowing it to continue, as she has done for me with the Essiac.
I thank my friends, Julie and Shelly, for finding this tea and urging me to try it. I had never heard of it before until they sent me a bag of the crushed herbs to boil for myself and a book about it called: "Essiac A Native Herbal Cancer Remedy" by Cynthia Olsen. When I was finally able to wrap my mind around using herbal therapy, I read the book in one morning (It's not that thick) and regained hope. I opened the bag and followed the instructions on how to prepare it. I tasted the tea and was pleased to find that it tasted rather good and smooth, not bitter or bad tasting at all! :) I started out at 4 ounces a day, and am now up to 8 ounces in the morning. Per doctor's instructions I am upping the dosage to another 8 ounces at night.
Folks, I'm beating this cancer that they said at the beginning they could not cure. I am thanking the Universe, Mother/Father God and all my family and friends who have stood by me on this battle field.
My brother, Vance, and sister-in-luv, Barbi, were with me when I got the news. Barbi hugged me and I cried. Vance took my hand and held on and I cried. I hugged my doctor and I cried. My mom, after I called her yesterday morning to tell her the news, called me back last night and said that after she got off the phone with me, she just sat there in a daze and cried for a half-hour. That she was still in a daze. :)
Life is so good right now! I am convinced that positive thinking mixed with faith, and this tea (thank you Native Indians!!! I love you!!) and the powerful love from friends and family and my kitty (as well as the music from Led Zeppelin and others. ;) ;)) are the necessary elements for the recipe in fighting dis-ease. Find what lifts your spirits, do not pooh-pooh herbal remedies like I did at the beginning. (It took me a few months to wrap my mind around this form of therapy.) Proclaim your intent to be healed and believe it. Absorb the love that flows into your life from those who want, and need, you to keep fighting. Walk on the bridges those things build for you, keep walking, moving forward! Don't give up! Don't stop!
Life is too precious to roll over and give up. They told me that this cancer is incurable and that they could only stay on top of it and keep it in check. My doctor was amazed that the tumor continued to shrink without the chemo. drugs. She was very receptive to this Essiac tea.
A friend of mine, Carmen, reminded me last night of something I told her a few months ago. I said: "I want to go into that doctor's office and have her mouth drop to the floor. I want her to see that I'm a walking miracle." Guess what? It happened!!
My sister, Marla, prophesied that I would blow the doctor's minds. It appears that is where this journey is leading.
I am thrilled beyond belief, overjoyed to the point of getting sore cheek muscles from smiling so much. I can't cuddle with my cat enough, I can't stop being floored myself that this has happened. I'm just waiting for word from the head oncologist now to see if he thinks a surgery would be beneficial or if he would like to see the tumor shrink some more. Either way...I know I'm going to survive this.
Mother/Father God be blessed and loved...life is wonderful!
She told me to 'write it down for me.' I did so and answered some of her questions. She said, "This is the third time I've heard of this tea. Two other people have said they are using it for preventive. You're the first one I've heard of that is actually using it to 'treat' cancer." She was going to put me on a chemo pill, but with the asparagus and aloe vera juice routine, as well as the tea she said she wants me to continue doing what I'm doing, and...to up the dosage of the tea. "This sounds like very potent stuff." She immediately put an e-mail through to the head oncologist of the department to see if they can't schedule a surgery to remove the last of the tumor. What is so great about this doctor is that she confessed that there are things doctor's don't know. Many things. I got the very strong impression that if she hears of something that works outside the realm of medical science, she is receptive to allowing it to continue, as she has done for me with the Essiac.
I thank my friends, Julie and Shelly, for finding this tea and urging me to try it. I had never heard of it before until they sent me a bag of the crushed herbs to boil for myself and a book about it called: "Essiac A Native Herbal Cancer Remedy" by Cynthia Olsen. When I was finally able to wrap my mind around using herbal therapy, I read the book in one morning (It's not that thick) and regained hope. I opened the bag and followed the instructions on how to prepare it. I tasted the tea and was pleased to find that it tasted rather good and smooth, not bitter or bad tasting at all! :) I started out at 4 ounces a day, and am now up to 8 ounces in the morning. Per doctor's instructions I am upping the dosage to another 8 ounces at night.
Folks, I'm beating this cancer that they said at the beginning they could not cure. I am thanking the Universe, Mother/Father God and all my family and friends who have stood by me on this battle field.
My brother, Vance, and sister-in-luv, Barbi, were with me when I got the news. Barbi hugged me and I cried. Vance took my hand and held on and I cried. I hugged my doctor and I cried. My mom, after I called her yesterday morning to tell her the news, called me back last night and said that after she got off the phone with me, she just sat there in a daze and cried for a half-hour. That she was still in a daze. :)
Life is so good right now! I am convinced that positive thinking mixed with faith, and this tea (thank you Native Indians!!! I love you!!) and the powerful love from friends and family and my kitty (as well as the music from Led Zeppelin and others. ;) ;)) are the necessary elements for the recipe in fighting dis-ease. Find what lifts your spirits, do not pooh-pooh herbal remedies like I did at the beginning. (It took me a few months to wrap my mind around this form of therapy.) Proclaim your intent to be healed and believe it. Absorb the love that flows into your life from those who want, and need, you to keep fighting. Walk on the bridges those things build for you, keep walking, moving forward! Don't give up! Don't stop!
Life is too precious to roll over and give up. They told me that this cancer is incurable and that they could only stay on top of it and keep it in check. My doctor was amazed that the tumor continued to shrink without the chemo. drugs. She was very receptive to this Essiac tea.
A friend of mine, Carmen, reminded me last night of something I told her a few months ago. I said: "I want to go into that doctor's office and have her mouth drop to the floor. I want her to see that I'm a walking miracle." Guess what? It happened!!
My sister, Marla, prophesied that I would blow the doctor's minds. It appears that is where this journey is leading.
I am thrilled beyond belief, overjoyed to the point of getting sore cheek muscles from smiling so much. I can't cuddle with my cat enough, I can't stop being floored myself that this has happened. I'm just waiting for word from the head oncologist now to see if he thinks a surgery would be beneficial or if he would like to see the tumor shrink some more. Either way...I know I'm going to survive this.
Mother/Father God be blessed and loved...life is wonderful!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
"Sister of Charity" The 69 Eyes live at concert for Unicef.
Yesterday, on my way to my heart scan, I drove east...straight into the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen. Incredible! I told my friend Julie that it was as though Mother/Father God was tapping me on the shoulder saying: "We're with you. It's going to be fine." At the same time I was playing "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin on my CD Player. It was a powerful spiritual moment for me. When Julie heard my message that I left on her voice mail, she said that the line "I've never seen a dawn like this before" from The 69 Eyes' song: "Sister of Charity" went through her mind. I decided to post the song and lyrics here. It's incredibly beautiful. The thing to do is listen with ear phones if possible. The full effect of the chanting sends chills up and down your body. Uh, that's a good thing, btw. ;) (The very ending is the lead singer to 69 Eyes, Jyrki 69, talking about Unicef. He's the Goodwill Ambassador from Finland to Unicef. You hear him speak in his native tongue and isn't it a very flowing and beautiful language?)
Sister Of Charity
A new day for a mission
Another sunrise in your heart
Gimme tears of the wrong
The hate of convicts
The glamour of the damned
Rule of Benedict
I've never seen the dawn like this before
Tears of the night turn to diamonds in your eyes
In the face of the world's ugliness
Sister of charity
Remains a mystery
Love shines over aggression
Another wound heals in your heart
Gimme fears of the strong
The warfare politics
The decay of the west
Rule of Benedict
I've never seen the dawn like this before
Tears of the night turn to diamonds in your eyes
In the face of the world's ugliness
Sister of charity
Remains a mystery
Sister Of Charity
A new day for a mission
Another sunrise in your heart
Gimme tears of the wrong
The hate of convicts
The glamour of the damned
Rule of Benedict
I've never seen the dawn like this before
Tears of the night turn to diamonds in your eyes
In the face of the world's ugliness
Sister of charity
Remains a mystery
Love shines over aggression
Another wound heals in your heart
Gimme fears of the strong
The warfare politics
The decay of the west
Rule of Benedict
I've never seen the dawn like this before
Tears of the night turn to diamonds in your eyes
In the face of the world's ugliness
Sister of charity
Remains a mystery
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Comfort zones
Some interesting insights occurred to me this last week. One, in reading about why strife and discordant things happen in our lives, the common theme I got was that they are meant to move us out of comfort zones. I've learned more spiritual things in the last 9 months since being diagnosed than I have in the last 9 years. Experiential knowledge, not stuff I read out of books. It's great to have that head knowledge, to know certain things with your mind, to actually 'experience' things...well I did say I was a visual, hands-on type of learner. I wanted to go back to college after my hysterectomy, once I was fully healed. I told Mother/Father God that I wanted to go back. They plopped me back into a school alright, only Death is the Teacher here. And, man, am I learning things. Experiencing things.
A friend of mine at work, Bill, he's gone through his own situation with this form of enemy and we talk a lot. He studies philosophy. We spoke about the 'Why' of it all. He said he had gotten past the 'why me?' stage and was now in the 'why not me?' stage.
As he spoke I realized he was right on the money. I believe the statistics say that 1 in 4 people will get cancer. If we got it, that means the person next to us dodged a bullet and we took it for them. Why? Because maybe we can handle it better than they could have if faced with it. This is all purely speculative but in a metaphorical sense, I believe Bill and I are strong in our fights, enough to say 'Okay, why not me? I'll take the bullet for another person.'
Bill and I both believe we'll beat this enemy. My friend, Julie, says, "Beat it bloody." I keep seeing this black mass in my body cowering in a corner, quivering with fear each time I go after it with my anger, my music, my positive thoughts, my prayers, my Essiac Tea and now...Raphael. One of the Archangels.
I've never read the Apocrypha. I have an Oxford Study Bible with the Apocrypha and wanted to read these books. As i was skimming through Tobit I found the name Raphael. My boy. The Angel of Healing. I read the story of Tobias and the fish. Raphael did not save Tobias from the fish, he instructed Tobias how to deal with the fish and how to use the heart and liver and gall parts for healing. As I was reading how Tobias used the heart and liver as incense to drive away a 'dark demon', the image of the darkened mass in my body hit me. I don't have fish hearts or liver, but...I can take Cod Liver Oil in capsule form to help with my immune system. Shark liver oil as well. I figure it can't hurt and if I can see it going after the darkness inside and driving it away...on a symbolical level, it may just be a message to try it and see what manifests. The liver is a filter in our bodies, eliminating the toxins. In the story of Tobias the fish liver was used to beat back a demonic influence, to drive away darkness. If I can merge that spiritual angle to a physical one, it may be just another tool to use in the 'mind over matter' way of fighting.
I'll be heading out to get some of that liver oil, even fish oil in general with the Omega 3's, and giving it a good college try.
I always wondered why I saw pictures of Raphael carrying a fish. :-)
Rock on!
A friend of mine at work, Bill, he's gone through his own situation with this form of enemy and we talk a lot. He studies philosophy. We spoke about the 'Why' of it all. He said he had gotten past the 'why me?' stage and was now in the 'why not me?' stage.
As he spoke I realized he was right on the money. I believe the statistics say that 1 in 4 people will get cancer. If we got it, that means the person next to us dodged a bullet and we took it for them. Why? Because maybe we can handle it better than they could have if faced with it. This is all purely speculative but in a metaphorical sense, I believe Bill and I are strong in our fights, enough to say 'Okay, why not me? I'll take the bullet for another person.'
Bill and I both believe we'll beat this enemy. My friend, Julie, says, "Beat it bloody." I keep seeing this black mass in my body cowering in a corner, quivering with fear each time I go after it with my anger, my music, my positive thoughts, my prayers, my Essiac Tea and now...Raphael. One of the Archangels.
I've never read the Apocrypha. I have an Oxford Study Bible with the Apocrypha and wanted to read these books. As i was skimming through Tobit I found the name Raphael. My boy. The Angel of Healing. I read the story of Tobias and the fish. Raphael did not save Tobias from the fish, he instructed Tobias how to deal with the fish and how to use the heart and liver and gall parts for healing. As I was reading how Tobias used the heart and liver as incense to drive away a 'dark demon', the image of the darkened mass in my body hit me. I don't have fish hearts or liver, but...I can take Cod Liver Oil in capsule form to help with my immune system. Shark liver oil as well. I figure it can't hurt and if I can see it going after the darkness inside and driving it away...on a symbolical level, it may just be a message to try it and see what manifests. The liver is a filter in our bodies, eliminating the toxins. In the story of Tobias the fish liver was used to beat back a demonic influence, to drive away darkness. If I can merge that spiritual angle to a physical one, it may be just another tool to use in the 'mind over matter' way of fighting.
I'll be heading out to get some of that liver oil, even fish oil in general with the Omega 3's, and giving it a good college try.
I always wondered why I saw pictures of Raphael carrying a fish. :-)
Rock on!
Trying Silent Lucidity again.
You have to go watch on YouTube as embedding has been disabled here on request, but hit the picture and the link to the YouTube video will appear. Hit that and it will take you to this incredible video Queensryche did. Enjoy! The lyrics to the song are written below. I'm leaving the original post done earlier as it has the lyrics within that video, but I just loved the imagery to this video as well. :)
Take a gander and a listen. I loved this, especially the words during the solo (written out here for us to understand. A wonderful lyrical portrait of visualization to assist in beating back 'the situation'. )
Lyrics:
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How are we feeling today, better??)
(Dream control, dream control)
(Help me)
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....
Take a gander and a listen. I loved this, especially the words during the solo (written out here for us to understand. A wonderful lyrical portrait of visualization to assist in beating back 'the situation'. )
Lyrics:
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How are we feeling today, better??)
(Dream control, dream control)
(Help me)
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Little Gifts Throughout the Day...
The night before last, I pulled out my little meditation book on the 72 Names of God and just skimmed through the entries...one caught my eye. To lead up to why this one caught my eye, let me give you some background to make the impact a bit more poignant...
About 20 years ago, give or take a year, when I was thinking that I was weird because I'd never had a boyfriend, or that I thought I never would (Now I don't care if I ever do...time heals it seems. ;) ) Anyway, things just made me feel like I didn't belong in this world. I had no real vocation, no real dreams other than writing and even that was more hobby than something I wanted to focus on as a career. I was in such despair one Saturday that I wanted to end it. I mean really end it. In sobbing tears I planned out my suicide note, how I was going to do it. I couldn't stop sobbing. For hours I sat on the couch and begged God to give me some reason to go on. Doubled over in emotional pain I went to the bathroom to splash cold water over my swollen eyes. I needed to go to the store and get the pills and booze. As I was bent over the sink I heard in my spirit God's distinct inner voice speaking. He said: "If you kill yourself, you'll never know the blessings I have for you down the road of your life."
That stopped me. I literally crawled out of the bathroom back to the couch in the living room and plopped down, emotionally spent, still uncertain, but with an ounce of hope that my life was meant for something.
Now I have an inside joke going on with God. I tell him, "You didn't want me to kill myself back then...you promised blessings to be discovered. You can't have me now...not when those blessing are making themselves known in such a powerful way." Every day now I say; "You didn't want me then, you can't have me now." LOL!
And thus I come to the entry I found...
"Diamond In The Rough..."
I have the power to transform all of my hardships into beauty and strength.
I will get into a positive head space, knowing that from there, anything is possible.
The challenges that lie before me are there for a reason,
and the Light will allow me to learn from them and grow--
I become my potential.
All the blessings that are already mine will bring even more fulfillment and joy.
My soul's longings will be answered
and my "negative" situations will turn beautiful.
(Emphasis mine)
During a meditation that my friend Julie led me on, I was given a sword in my mind. She wanted me to name it. The second she asked me to do that, birds started singing outside my window. Lots of them, chirping loudly. I said, "Birdsong". The sword was thus christened. Yesterday, in preparing documents to be archived at work, I stumbled upon the last name of a student I'd seen a few days ago: "Birdsong." I kid you not. I stared at that name for about a minute. Of all last names to have and I stumble upon it twice in a week: "Birdsong."
In my mind I took my sword and stabbed at my cancer killing it, telling it to get the hell out of my body. I picked up my meditation book and wanted to find the above entry once again. I didn't have far to look. I immediately opened up to it without any searching. I read it again, felt the comfort, the joy.
In an earlier entry I posted about Led Zeppelin's song: "Achilles Last Stand", the song in which Jimmy's guitar solo is used by me to attack the tumor and destroy it. It's a song that is NEVER played on the radio. I've NEVER heard it played on my classic rock stations. Yesterday, as I was listening to a station here called "The Sound", they began a week of music A-Z at 3:00. At 3:14 they played "Achilles Last Stand". All day yesterday it was as if the Universe was tapping me on the shoulder saying, "We're here with you. Hang in there. The fight is already won, you just have to realize the 'blessings for you down the road'."
(Side note: Notice the time they played the song...add 3+1+4 together and you get 8...the number of new beginnings. When I made my Essiac tea the other night, as it boiled I had Barbi pray with me over the phone for Mother/Father God to nourish the tea to my body and for healing in all things in our lives. Our prayer lasted 8 minutes. New beginnings. The number 8 seems to be popping up a lot in the last few days.)
A few days ago I told my sister-in-luv, Barbi, that if I roll over and give up, it would be like committing suicide. I didn't do it back then, why in the hell would I do it now?
I have blessings waiting for me 'down the road'. And: "All the blessings that are already mine will bring even more fulfillment and joy." :)
Life is good.
Rock on!
About 20 years ago, give or take a year, when I was thinking that I was weird because I'd never had a boyfriend, or that I thought I never would (Now I don't care if I ever do...time heals it seems. ;) ) Anyway, things just made me feel like I didn't belong in this world. I had no real vocation, no real dreams other than writing and even that was more hobby than something I wanted to focus on as a career. I was in such despair one Saturday that I wanted to end it. I mean really end it. In sobbing tears I planned out my suicide note, how I was going to do it. I couldn't stop sobbing. For hours I sat on the couch and begged God to give me some reason to go on. Doubled over in emotional pain I went to the bathroom to splash cold water over my swollen eyes. I needed to go to the store and get the pills and booze. As I was bent over the sink I heard in my spirit God's distinct inner voice speaking. He said: "If you kill yourself, you'll never know the blessings I have for you down the road of your life."
That stopped me. I literally crawled out of the bathroom back to the couch in the living room and plopped down, emotionally spent, still uncertain, but with an ounce of hope that my life was meant for something.
Now I have an inside joke going on with God. I tell him, "You didn't want me to kill myself back then...you promised blessings to be discovered. You can't have me now...not when those blessing are making themselves known in such a powerful way." Every day now I say; "You didn't want me then, you can't have me now." LOL!
And thus I come to the entry I found...
"Diamond In The Rough..."
I have the power to transform all of my hardships into beauty and strength.
I will get into a positive head space, knowing that from there, anything is possible.
The challenges that lie before me are there for a reason,
and the Light will allow me to learn from them and grow--
I become my potential.
All the blessings that are already mine will bring even more fulfillment and joy.
My soul's longings will be answered
and my "negative" situations will turn beautiful.
(Emphasis mine)
During a meditation that my friend Julie led me on, I was given a sword in my mind. She wanted me to name it. The second she asked me to do that, birds started singing outside my window. Lots of them, chirping loudly. I said, "Birdsong". The sword was thus christened. Yesterday, in preparing documents to be archived at work, I stumbled upon the last name of a student I'd seen a few days ago: "Birdsong." I kid you not. I stared at that name for about a minute. Of all last names to have and I stumble upon it twice in a week: "Birdsong."
In my mind I took my sword and stabbed at my cancer killing it, telling it to get the hell out of my body. I picked up my meditation book and wanted to find the above entry once again. I didn't have far to look. I immediately opened up to it without any searching. I read it again, felt the comfort, the joy.
In an earlier entry I posted about Led Zeppelin's song: "Achilles Last Stand", the song in which Jimmy's guitar solo is used by me to attack the tumor and destroy it. It's a song that is NEVER played on the radio. I've NEVER heard it played on my classic rock stations. Yesterday, as I was listening to a station here called "The Sound", they began a week of music A-Z at 3:00. At 3:14 they played "Achilles Last Stand". All day yesterday it was as if the Universe was tapping me on the shoulder saying, "We're here with you. Hang in there. The fight is already won, you just have to realize the 'blessings for you down the road'."
(Side note: Notice the time they played the song...add 3+1+4 together and you get 8...the number of new beginnings. When I made my Essiac tea the other night, as it boiled I had Barbi pray with me over the phone for Mother/Father God to nourish the tea to my body and for healing in all things in our lives. Our prayer lasted 8 minutes. New beginnings. The number 8 seems to be popping up a lot in the last few days.)
A few days ago I told my sister-in-luv, Barbi, that if I roll over and give up, it would be like committing suicide. I didn't do it back then, why in the hell would I do it now?
I have blessings waiting for me 'down the road'. And: "All the blessings that are already mine will bring even more fulfillment and joy." :)
Life is good.
Rock on!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Prayer experiment...
I'm using a special tea known as Essiac, used to combat cancer. I have to boil it for 10 minutes, refrigerate for 12 hours, re-boil for another 10 minutes and then let it cool. About 5:00 this afternoon, I'm calling my sister-in-luv for us to double the prayer/blessing over the tea as it boils for the first time. The image in my mind is Jesus turning water into wine. I believe in the power of Mother/Father God. I believe in healing. I have developed some slight pain, and the Doctor did say that it was 'possible' for the tumor to grow back without the chemo. Maybe it has, I'm hoping it hasn't, thinking it hasn't...believing it hasn't. The pain may just be scar tissue from the surgery as it exists in the area where the tumor in the uterus was located, the lower half of my abdomen. But pain is pain, and it causes doubt...I found in a book called "The 72 Names of God" a meditation that I want to share here...
It's called "Eliminating Negative Thoughts"...
I feel doubt, uncertainty. I am worried.
I am worried about [enter your concern here] cancer.
But I know it is an illusion. These thoughts that bring me down are not real, and as I face them, they grow smaller and smaller.
They disappear...
I can eliminate all of my dark thoughts.
I reach for the dial of the negative airwaves, the control over my ego,
and turn it down...down...off.
Silence.
My heart is open, and filling with the Light of the Creator--powerful, calming, whole.
I feel warmth and acceptance--of all people, of myself.
I see and hear the sounds of my soul, true signals from the Light.
I feel total certainty.
When I spoke this out loud just now, I felt the power inside of me. An internal pep-squad of positive faith. The more I spoke it, the more powerful it became. Doubt became less and less.
God spoke the world into existence. Jesus spoke healing and commanded the dead to rise with his words, his voice...his thoughts, which came before they were spoken.
Speaking, and thoughts, are powerful tools.
Last night, I needed a pep talk. I didn't call my brother and sister-in-luv because I had fear of becoming a complainer like my dad was before he left us in 1988. My dad constantly complained about his ailments. He would call me all the time, only to seek for sympathy. I began to hate getting his phone calls. You see he never did anything to change his circumstances. My brother assured me this morning that I'm not like my dad, that I am doing all I can to change this circumstance in my life. He and Barbi assured me that because what I'm going through is real, that I can call them even if it's five times a day to get a pep-talk.
Talking things out...speaking positive energy out loud...this is what prompts the energy to swarm the body and make things right. I love Jesus. I believe in his healing power.
Speak healing to yourself, believing that the Christ (or, if you prefer--The Universe) hears...Mother/Father God hears and works with you to make things right. You have to believe. Without it, the doubt becomes the monster and takes control. You have the power to defeat it. Doubt is a creep. And it creeps up on you without warning. It's a coward. Turn and shout at it and tell it to get the 'kitty-hell' out of your life. And if you need your family or your friends to help you shout, if the doubt has you under its thumb and you need help...call out to those who support you. Tell them you need a pep-talk. Together you can kill the doubt and hope will flow in like a wave. The doubt can be looked at as a dam, keeping the hope away from you. Once the dam explodes, the hope, in all of its powerful force, crashes through and fills you to overflowing.
The Hope is: "The Light of the Creator--powerful, calming, whole." You can: "see and hear the sounds of my soul, true signals from the Light."
This is why music and speaking...are such powerful weapons when fighting against unseen foes within the body, capable of DEFEATING THEM!
And so, when the tea boils, Barbi and I will be praying over it...using the power of words and faith to infuse the tea for Mother/Father God to bless it and nourish it to my body.
Rock (and speak) on!
It's called "Eliminating Negative Thoughts"...
I feel doubt, uncertainty. I am worried.
I am worried about [enter your concern here] cancer.
But I know it is an illusion. These thoughts that bring me down are not real, and as I face them, they grow smaller and smaller.
They disappear...
I can eliminate all of my dark thoughts.
I reach for the dial of the negative airwaves, the control over my ego,
and turn it down...down...off.
Silence.
My heart is open, and filling with the Light of the Creator--powerful, calming, whole.
I feel warmth and acceptance--of all people, of myself.
I see and hear the sounds of my soul, true signals from the Light.
I feel total certainty.
When I spoke this out loud just now, I felt the power inside of me. An internal pep-squad of positive faith. The more I spoke it, the more powerful it became. Doubt became less and less.
God spoke the world into existence. Jesus spoke healing and commanded the dead to rise with his words, his voice...his thoughts, which came before they were spoken.
Speaking, and thoughts, are powerful tools.
Last night, I needed a pep talk. I didn't call my brother and sister-in-luv because I had fear of becoming a complainer like my dad was before he left us in 1988. My dad constantly complained about his ailments. He would call me all the time, only to seek for sympathy. I began to hate getting his phone calls. You see he never did anything to change his circumstances. My brother assured me this morning that I'm not like my dad, that I am doing all I can to change this circumstance in my life. He and Barbi assured me that because what I'm going through is real, that I can call them even if it's five times a day to get a pep-talk.
Talking things out...speaking positive energy out loud...this is what prompts the energy to swarm the body and make things right. I love Jesus. I believe in his healing power.
Speak healing to yourself, believing that the Christ (or, if you prefer--The Universe) hears...Mother/Father God hears and works with you to make things right. You have to believe. Without it, the doubt becomes the monster and takes control. You have the power to defeat it. Doubt is a creep. And it creeps up on you without warning. It's a coward. Turn and shout at it and tell it to get the 'kitty-hell' out of your life. And if you need your family or your friends to help you shout, if the doubt has you under its thumb and you need help...call out to those who support you. Tell them you need a pep-talk. Together you can kill the doubt and hope will flow in like a wave. The doubt can be looked at as a dam, keeping the hope away from you. Once the dam explodes, the hope, in all of its powerful force, crashes through and fills you to overflowing.
The Hope is: "The Light of the Creator--powerful, calming, whole." You can: "see and hear the sounds of my soul, true signals from the Light."
This is why music and speaking...are such powerful weapons when fighting against unseen foes within the body, capable of DEFEATING THEM!
And so, when the tea boils, Barbi and I will be praying over it...using the power of words and faith to infuse the tea for Mother/Father God to bless it and nourish it to my body.
Rock (and speak) on!
Queensryche: "Silent Lucidity"
A fantastically beautiful song and words!
Take a gander and a listen. I loved this, especially the words during the solo (written out here for us to understand. A wonderful lyrical portrait of visualization to assist in beating back 'the situation'.)
Lyrics:
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How are we feeling today, better??)
(Dream control, dream control)
(Help me)
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....
Take a gander and a listen. I loved this, especially the words during the solo (written out here for us to understand. A wonderful lyrical portrait of visualization to assist in beating back 'the situation'.
Lyrics:
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How are we feeling today, better??)
(Dream control, dream control)
(Help me)
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Death Is The Teacher - A Poem
A friend of mine, Paige Hudson, wrote a poem for me when I told her about my 'Death Is The Teacher' vision (talked about in an earlier post: "What I would lose if I let Death Take me now.")
I wanted to share it with you all...:-)
The path ahead is narrow
And leads to unknown lands
But raise your eyes, look
All whom you have touched are near
You travel not alone.
Death is the teacher
Everyday miracles seen with the clarity
Of a heart serene
Lessons of life and love, peace and eternity
Guide the spirit home.
The regrets of yesterday, cast off
Like so much jetsam
Lighten the load and free the soul
Breathe in joy, find your way
You travel not alone.
I was very touched by this beautiful piece. Thanks, Paige. I remember when I read this for the first time, both crying and smiling. :-)
Hugs,
Jan
I wanted to share it with you all...:-)
The path ahead is narrow
And leads to unknown lands
But raise your eyes, look
All whom you have touched are near
You travel not alone.
Death is the teacher
Everyday miracles seen with the clarity
Of a heart serene
Lessons of life and love, peace and eternity
Guide the spirit home.
The regrets of yesterday, cast off
Like so much jetsam
Lighten the load and free the soul
Breathe in joy, find your way
You travel not alone.
I was very touched by this beautiful piece. Thanks, Paige. I remember when I read this for the first time, both crying and smiling. :-)
Hugs,
Jan
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Anger can be a good thing...if we let it be.
Barbi and I had a great discussion this past weekend while I was visiting my family. We went to Barnes and Noble and I had been wanting to re-read "'Salem's Lot" by Stephen King. I snatched it up. Barbi bought a book by a Christian author, Max Lucado, called "Fearless", about how to cast aside fear. We got started talking about horror stories and fear. I said that I can't watch horror movies, but that reading horror stories is okay for me. I need to face my fears and beat them back, I need to face darkness and not let it strike fear inside. "'Salem's Lot" was really the first horror story I ever read back when I was in high school. It freaked me out. The movie with David Soul (I was a big David Soul fan) freaked me out. But, it was a good vampire story. It captured how one man and one young boy faced fear and beat it back enough to escape their situation.
The 'situation' I'm in is something that needs to be faced, to beat back, to push it aside. In facing darkness, I am able to fight it, to not let it get the upper hand, to defy it, control it and say: "You're not going to win! I am!"
If you are facing a fearful situation, ask yourself how you can defeat it, how can this make you stronger? What lessons in developing a defensive posture can you glean from it? My situation gets me angry. Enough to yell and scream at it, to get angry with it, face it and beat it down.
Two incidents happened in my life when I was a child. One, I was molested by my first step-father over the span of 6 years. One day when I was alone at home, he came home from work and we talked about what he had done to me. He said that if I told anyone what he had done, it: 'Will be off your back.' I had no idea what those words meant, but I knew they were a threat. He left a few minutes after delivering that threat and I waited for his truck to get out of sight before I called my mom. I had determined that he shouldn't have threatened me. By doing that he made it clear what he had been doing to me was wrong. I told my mom and everything escalated from there. We got away from him, moved to another state. Our lives changed...for the better. He never touched me again.
The other time was when I was in elementary school in Colorado. A boy tried to beat me up. I was seeing a friend of mine being threatened by another boy by his putting his hands to her neck and forcing her to the ground. I said for him to stop it that he could hurt her. His friend came up to me and tried put his hand to the back of my neck and began to squeeze, ordering me to get to my knees. I was furious and refused. I kept yelling, "I will not!" I got scared, but my anger was more powerful. I refused to do what he told me to do. Finally a teacher intervened, the boys were suspended. My friend and I were only rattled, no injuries. Still, I could not believe how angry I had gotten when he tried to control me. How I refused to do what he wanted even though he was squeezing the back of my neck. I just yelled at him that no I was not going to do what he wanted.
I choose to fight this thing inside me that is nothing but a bully. My friend Julie said of this tumor, "The last cry of a dying POS." I asked her what POS was, she replied, "Piece of Sh--." I have now officially adopted POS as this damn tumor's nickname. Cancer is a bully. It sneaks up and attacks from out of nowhere and crawls away when you turn and fight back. It tries to scare you. Instead, get angry and fight back. Use that anger as a weapon. You become determined to not let the enemy win.
Anger can be a very powerful weapon in the arsenal to beat back disease...and fear.
Rock on!
The 'situation' I'm in is something that needs to be faced, to beat back, to push it aside. In facing darkness, I am able to fight it, to not let it get the upper hand, to defy it, control it and say: "You're not going to win! I am!"
If you are facing a fearful situation, ask yourself how you can defeat it, how can this make you stronger? What lessons in developing a defensive posture can you glean from it? My situation gets me angry. Enough to yell and scream at it, to get angry with it, face it and beat it down.
Two incidents happened in my life when I was a child. One, I was molested by my first step-father over the span of 6 years. One day when I was alone at home, he came home from work and we talked about what he had done to me. He said that if I told anyone what he had done, it: 'Will be off your back.' I had no idea what those words meant, but I knew they were a threat. He left a few minutes after delivering that threat and I waited for his truck to get out of sight before I called my mom. I had determined that he shouldn't have threatened me. By doing that he made it clear what he had been doing to me was wrong. I told my mom and everything escalated from there. We got away from him, moved to another state. Our lives changed...for the better. He never touched me again.
The other time was when I was in elementary school in Colorado. A boy tried to beat me up. I was seeing a friend of mine being threatened by another boy by his putting his hands to her neck and forcing her to the ground. I said for him to stop it that he could hurt her. His friend came up to me and tried put his hand to the back of my neck and began to squeeze, ordering me to get to my knees. I was furious and refused. I kept yelling, "I will not!" I got scared, but my anger was more powerful. I refused to do what he told me to do. Finally a teacher intervened, the boys were suspended. My friend and I were only rattled, no injuries. Still, I could not believe how angry I had gotten when he tried to control me. How I refused to do what he wanted even though he was squeezing the back of my neck. I just yelled at him that no I was not going to do what he wanted.
I choose to fight this thing inside me that is nothing but a bully. My friend Julie said of this tumor, "The last cry of a dying POS." I asked her what POS was, she replied, "Piece of Sh--." I have now officially adopted POS as this damn tumor's nickname. Cancer is a bully. It sneaks up and attacks from out of nowhere and crawls away when you turn and fight back. It tries to scare you. Instead, get angry and fight back. Use that anger as a weapon. You become determined to not let the enemy win.
Anger can be a very powerful weapon in the arsenal to beat back disease...and fear.
Rock on!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
A weapon to use against the situation in my life...
My friend, Julie, sent me this song a few months ago. The enemy the words are directed towards, is pretty generic...I use this song to help me battle...the 'thing'.
listen carefully to the words...he will say 'Sophia guide my hand'. If you've been reading my posts, you'll understand what that means. :)
Take up your swords and battle on!
Thanks, Julie!
Lyrics:
I should be ashamed for what you've done to me
It's only happened because I let it be
But no more
You are not wrong, you who believe
Your will defines your destiny
But if you act in selfish fear
Then truth means nothing
You are not wrong if you perceive
The message veiled in mystery
But if we bury what we dream
We're left with what remains
There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride,
Taking back my dreams, and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end
I'm taking back my hope, taking back my goals,
Taking back my memories, and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave
You are not wrong if you believe
Perception works its alchemy
And I become the phoenix once again
Transforming destiny
We brace before the fates descending
With resolution never ending
As Nike stands, her shield before me,
Sophia guide my hand
There is no wisdom that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I feel the wishfire burning cold
Black wings to fill the sky unfold
And nothing takes from God his storm
See the angels' eyes transform
listen carefully to the words...he will say 'Sophia guide my hand'. If you've been reading my posts, you'll understand what that means. :)
Take up your swords and battle on!
Thanks, Julie!
Lyrics:
I should be ashamed for what you've done to me
It's only happened because I let it be
But no more
You are not wrong, you who believe
Your will defines your destiny
But if you act in selfish fear
Then truth means nothing
You are not wrong if you perceive
The message veiled in mystery
But if we bury what we dream
We're left with what remains
There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I'm taking back my love, taking back my pride,
Taking back my dreams, and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end
I'm taking back my hope, taking back my goals,
Taking back my memories, and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave
You are not wrong if you believe
Perception works its alchemy
And I become the phoenix once again
Transforming destiny
We brace before the fates descending
With resolution never ending
As Nike stands, her shield before me,
Sophia guide my hand
There is no wisdom that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled
I feel the wishfire burning cold
Black wings to fill the sky unfold
And nothing takes from God his storm
See the angels' eyes transform
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Can You Feel It? It's So...There...
I am a visual person. If I can 'see' things happen, rather than read about how to do things in books, I'm able to learn them easier. I can see things from written directions, but it takes time for me to process it in my brain. Seeing them acted out where I can also maybe perform hands-on practice, helps it to click.
I believe that Jesus taught us we have to the power to heal, that whatever we ask, believing we will receive. I see the tumor shrinking into dust, the edges of it burning to ash, the flames working their way to the middle, the edges, the ashes, floating into nothing, disintegrating. My friend, Julie, gave me a great visual...that I reach in and pull out this black mass that looks like a lump of coal, and to watch a white light ignite within its middle consuming it to where it's nothing but ash in my hand, and that the Universe takes it from me, scattering it into space.
I had some pain today, pain that wasn't there yesterday or for a while. For most of the day I ignored it, did things to keep my mind off of it. I've been watching lots of comedy, or sit-coms, especially "Home Improvement" and "Boy Meets World". Today I watched them both and laughed and laughed. But...when trying to get some sleep, the fear of the tumor growing again hit me and before I could really get caught up in that negativity, I called my brother and sister-in-love, Vance and Barbi. They've told me from the start to call them if I need to. I did. Vance prayed for me over the phone...I knew Barbi was there in agreement with his prayer, so both of them were as one. It helped so very much to know that I'm not alone, even if no one is here. I have my cat and he's been so very cuddly tonight, I think he knows. (Cats and dogs always know, don't they?) It's just been very, very good.
I've got "The 69 Eyes" playing on my MP3 Player (a new group Julie is sharing with me who are from Finland. Very interesting style these boys have and the lyrics are extremely intriguing. They touch on darkness, but not to the point of pulling you into a funk, in a sense they put 'facing the darkness' into a whole new definition. With this situation, I'm facing a type of darkness, this cancer, tumor, is a mass of darkness that in facing and forcing it out of my body, I'm able to find the courage in beating it back to where it came from. I like the parallel, the metaphor. I seem to find inspiration for this fight-for-victory in the most unlikely places. From prayers, to visualizations; From Goth music from Finland to ether-grabbing guitar solos from one Jimmy Page. Which just goes to prove, once again, not to put Mother/Father God in a box. They can use anything to teach us, to reach us where we're at and commune.)
In facing your darkened moments, what pulls you into finding the strength to head into the storm, no matter how dark, and become determined to reach the other side? You may get bloodied in the journey, the battle, but for you it doesn't matter, because the inspiration pulls you through, it gives you the strength. Is it music? The written word? Areas of nature? Friends and family who stand with you, holding up your arms so that you can continue to gain victory? Animals? I would give anything to ride a horse right now. To ride at a full gallop in an open area, become one with the horse, connect spiritually with it. I love the ocean, to be there as the waves roll in. I love the rain, watching it come down, feeling it on my skin. I love my cat, how he purrs on my belly. I imagine, like Jimmy Page's guitar solos, his purrs hitting the tumor and disintegrating it. So many things around us that we can use to find strength, love of life, and gain a spiritual communion, finding our feet again and becoming more determined as a result to win.
The love is there, all around us. It fills the soul, the heart, the mind, the air, our spirits. It's everywhere. Can you feel it? When you do, ride the crest of the wave, and when it takes you to shore, rest on the sand, gaze up at the sky, no matter if it's night or day, and revel in the love of your Creator. There's life there. It feels good, doesn't it? :)
Rock on.
(Thanks, to my brother, sister-in-love, niece and nephew and to Mother/Father God. The love is felt and very, very powerful in my heart right now. And as I face this tumor/cancer...once again I punch it out and say: "To the MOON, Alice!")
I believe that Jesus taught us we have to the power to heal, that whatever we ask, believing we will receive. I see the tumor shrinking into dust, the edges of it burning to ash, the flames working their way to the middle, the edges, the ashes, floating into nothing, disintegrating. My friend, Julie, gave me a great visual...that I reach in and pull out this black mass that looks like a lump of coal, and to watch a white light ignite within its middle consuming it to where it's nothing but ash in my hand, and that the Universe takes it from me, scattering it into space.
I had some pain today, pain that wasn't there yesterday or for a while. For most of the day I ignored it, did things to keep my mind off of it. I've been watching lots of comedy, or sit-coms, especially "Home Improvement" and "Boy Meets World". Today I watched them both and laughed and laughed. But...when trying to get some sleep, the fear of the tumor growing again hit me and before I could really get caught up in that negativity, I called my brother and sister-in-love, Vance and Barbi. They've told me from the start to call them if I need to. I did. Vance prayed for me over the phone...I knew Barbi was there in agreement with his prayer, so both of them were as one. It helped so very much to know that I'm not alone, even if no one is here. I have my cat and he's been so very cuddly tonight, I think he knows. (Cats and dogs always know, don't they?) It's just been very, very good.
I've got "The 69 Eyes" playing on my MP3 Player (a new group Julie is sharing with me who are from Finland. Very interesting style these boys have and the lyrics are extremely intriguing. They touch on darkness, but not to the point of pulling you into a funk, in a sense they put 'facing the darkness' into a whole new definition. With this situation, I'm facing a type of darkness, this cancer, tumor, is a mass of darkness that in facing and forcing it out of my body, I'm able to find the courage in beating it back to where it came from. I like the parallel, the metaphor. I seem to find inspiration for this fight-for-victory in the most unlikely places. From prayers, to visualizations; From Goth music from Finland to ether-grabbing guitar solos from one Jimmy Page. Which just goes to prove, once again, not to put Mother/Father God in a box. They can use anything to teach us, to reach us where we're at and commune.)
In facing your darkened moments, what pulls you into finding the strength to head into the storm, no matter how dark, and become determined to reach the other side? You may get bloodied in the journey, the battle, but for you it doesn't matter, because the inspiration pulls you through, it gives you the strength. Is it music? The written word? Areas of nature? Friends and family who stand with you, holding up your arms so that you can continue to gain victory? Animals? I would give anything to ride a horse right now. To ride at a full gallop in an open area, become one with the horse, connect spiritually with it. I love the ocean, to be there as the waves roll in. I love the rain, watching it come down, feeling it on my skin. I love my cat, how he purrs on my belly. I imagine, like Jimmy Page's guitar solos, his purrs hitting the tumor and disintegrating it. So many things around us that we can use to find strength, love of life, and gain a spiritual communion, finding our feet again and becoming more determined as a result to win.
The love is there, all around us. It fills the soul, the heart, the mind, the air, our spirits. It's everywhere. Can you feel it? When you do, ride the crest of the wave, and when it takes you to shore, rest on the sand, gaze up at the sky, no matter if it's night or day, and revel in the love of your Creator. There's life there. It feels good, doesn't it? :)
Rock on.
(Thanks, to my brother, sister-in-love, niece and nephew and to Mother/Father God. The love is felt and very, very powerful in my heart right now. And as I face this tumor/cancer...once again I punch it out and say: "To the MOON, Alice!")
Friday, September 24, 2010
An incredible blessedness...
I may be going out on a limb here, expressing my views on Mother/Father God. Some may furrow a brow and think I've dived off the deep end, but in my research of the Holy Spirit, I believe in a feminine aspect of God. In Proverbs 7-9, Wisdom is described as being feminine. It is called 'She' and 'Her'. The Wisdom given by the Holy Spirit, in Greek, is called 'Sophia' - a feminine term. When Listening to Leonard Nimoy explaining where he came up with the Vulcan hand salute for 'Live long and prosper', said he saw the salute during a Jewish ceremony where the Rabbi called down the 'Shekinah Glory'. What Christians call 'The Holy Spirit'. He was eight years old when this happened in the synagogue he attended with his father. They were told to bow their heads and close their eyes. Being eight years old, he was a naturally curious child and lifted his head during the ceremony to see the Rabbi hold his hands in that 'V' symbol. Later in life, he wondered as to why they had to close their eyes and bow their heads during the calling of the Shekinah. He was told that 'Shekinah' was 'Mother' and not to disrespect her. I'm paraphrasing this as I've not seen the interview in some time and am going by memory, but it was an incredibly powerful statement that left a mark on me, a very wonderful mark. (The interview was seen on the special features of season two DVD's for Star Trek The Original Series, if you wish to see it.)
I believe God is both masculine and feminine. I know some may find that difficult to swallow, but it is nevertheless a wonderful and comforting, at least to me, insight on God.
Why do I bring this up? Because Mother/Father God worked in my heart yesterday.
I had been struggling with flying up north to see my sister become hand-fasted to her fiance'. I would only be going up for the weekend, for her, but realizing the hectic day for this ceremony that would surround her and I, I became a bit nervous and uncertain if it was a good idea. Regardless of how I believe the Cancer is leaving my body, maintaining a positive mental and emotional state about that, there is the undeniable fact that the chemo treatments have affected my body and began to affect it right away. I had passed out a few times soon after the first few treatments of the latter drugs they used. Being in a crowd of people, in tight quarters caused this. There is also the fact that my immune system has been affected as well as my heart.
Being in a crowd of strangers, with all the activity associated with a wedding ceremony, I began to question the wisdom in this endeavor. I also did not want to hurt my sister by bowing out. I love my family, the closeness that has developed with everyone in my life (my friends, family even co-workers) has become a precious gift to me.
But friends and family offered wisdom and insight. My gut was telling me that going up there was not a good idea, but how to deal with it? What to say to my sister? I was encouraged to talk to her, and so I called. Her response? Complete and total understanding in a voice full of love. She, too, had been worried about my health. We spoke in love of what we could do for a later visit during the Christmas holidays when I'm off from work, when I can afford the time to go up there and just 'visit' her, to really spend quality time together. It was such a wonderful feeling to focus on 'then' rather than 'now' (again, living like there IS a tomorrow.)
The conversation took less than three minutes, the love was there, the restless feeling lifted and I called to cancel my 'Park n' Fly' reservations, as well as my flight reservations. In all, everything took less than 7 minutes to accomplish. I called my friends and family and reported back. Everyone felt good about this. Mother/Father God had moved to ease the situation with swift and unerring peace.
And this morning, as I write this? Well, I explained what I mean when I say "The Universe", well, everyone in my 'Universe' is surrounding me in spirit and the love is as powerful as a tidal wave. It's an incredible feeling. Cancer has no chance of winning against the most powerful weapon in the Universe. My friends and family remind me of this practically every day. I woke up feeling incredibly blessed to have them in my life, and to know that my spiritual family is up there looking out for me, too.
When stress comes at you about a certain situation, seek out 'Sophia', seek out that spiritual wisdom that comes from Mother/Father God, and you will find it in your friends and family. We are not alone in our battles and struggles. Take that love that flows out to you and allow it to move you like a gentle current...downstream, lay back and relax and enjoy the scenery as you pass along the journey. Trying to swim against that current only wears you down and exhausts you. Upstream journeys are, in a sense, like moving 'backwards', 'regressing'. The incredible adventure is before you. Rapids, waterfalls, will certainly also be before you, but therein lies the adventure...to learn to navigate through them and around them. I hit a few rapids yesterday, fearing a forthcoming waterfall, but the wise counsel I received were the tools necessary to navigate, and in the end the journey led to an incredible blessing!
Life is soooo good!
Mother/Father God bless.
Rock on!
I believe God is both masculine and feminine. I know some may find that difficult to swallow, but it is nevertheless a wonderful and comforting, at least to me, insight on God.
Why do I bring this up? Because Mother/Father God worked in my heart yesterday.
I had been struggling with flying up north to see my sister become hand-fasted to her fiance'. I would only be going up for the weekend, for her, but realizing the hectic day for this ceremony that would surround her and I, I became a bit nervous and uncertain if it was a good idea. Regardless of how I believe the Cancer is leaving my body, maintaining a positive mental and emotional state about that, there is the undeniable fact that the chemo treatments have affected my body and began to affect it right away. I had passed out a few times soon after the first few treatments of the latter drugs they used. Being in a crowd of people, in tight quarters caused this. There is also the fact that my immune system has been affected as well as my heart.
Being in a crowd of strangers, with all the activity associated with a wedding ceremony, I began to question the wisdom in this endeavor. I also did not want to hurt my sister by bowing out. I love my family, the closeness that has developed with everyone in my life (my friends, family even co-workers) has become a precious gift to me.
But friends and family offered wisdom and insight. My gut was telling me that going up there was not a good idea, but how to deal with it? What to say to my sister? I was encouraged to talk to her, and so I called. Her response? Complete and total understanding in a voice full of love. She, too, had been worried about my health. We spoke in love of what we could do for a later visit during the Christmas holidays when I'm off from work, when I can afford the time to go up there and just 'visit' her, to really spend quality time together. It was such a wonderful feeling to focus on 'then' rather than 'now' (again, living like there IS a tomorrow.)
The conversation took less than three minutes, the love was there, the restless feeling lifted and I called to cancel my 'Park n' Fly' reservations, as well as my flight reservations. In all, everything took less than 7 minutes to accomplish. I called my friends and family and reported back. Everyone felt good about this. Mother/Father God had moved to ease the situation with swift and unerring peace.
And this morning, as I write this? Well, I explained what I mean when I say "The Universe", well, everyone in my 'Universe' is surrounding me in spirit and the love is as powerful as a tidal wave. It's an incredible feeling. Cancer has no chance of winning against the most powerful weapon in the Universe. My friends and family remind me of this practically every day. I woke up feeling incredibly blessed to have them in my life, and to know that my spiritual family is up there looking out for me, too.
When stress comes at you about a certain situation, seek out 'Sophia', seek out that spiritual wisdom that comes from Mother/Father God, and you will find it in your friends and family. We are not alone in our battles and struggles. Take that love that flows out to you and allow it to move you like a gentle current...downstream, lay back and relax and enjoy the scenery as you pass along the journey. Trying to swim against that current only wears you down and exhausts you. Upstream journeys are, in a sense, like moving 'backwards', 'regressing'. The incredible adventure is before you. Rapids, waterfalls, will certainly also be before you, but therein lies the adventure...to learn to navigate through them and around them. I hit a few rapids yesterday, fearing a forthcoming waterfall, but the wise counsel I received were the tools necessary to navigate, and in the end the journey led to an incredible blessing!
Life is soooo good!
Mother/Father God bless.
Rock on!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Going back to school...
My curriculum in high school sucked big time. I mean it. It S-U-C-K-E-D SUCKED!
We paid the Revolutionary War lip service. Never studied the Civil War, never studied ancient civilizations, never studied other cultures. I look back at my school years with sorrow. Mostly for the lack of initiative, on my part as well as the part of the teachers. The teachers never had a passion for teaching. They searched high and low for a means to lip-service their way through the lessons. Not one teacher, with the exception of my music teacher, had any passion to teach.
So, where do I find the passion to learn? Recently? From watching "Boy Meets World". I kid you not! I've been watching the first two seasons of this show on DVD and heard a very wonderful description from William Daniels' character George Feeny about what education is really about. To learn to think for ourselves. Education is not about a bunch of memorized facts and dates, but about learning to analyze information and to acquire knowledge in the form of 'thinking'. I never really went to college, ( a few semesters, but they don't count) because my desire to learn was never really 'there'. It was never stirred in high school, never given birth. I never knew what I wanted to major in, never really searched my mind for a desire in what kind of career I wanted. Writing? Sure. I write stories, I love words, but back then in high school, it was not something I was encouraged to pursue. I was told it was a dream world and I needed to go the realistic route. Okay. If I couldn't write, I had absolutely no idea what else to do with my life. My desire to learn was stunted in high school.
Now, all I want to do is learn. I would LOVE to go back to school and study history, world civilizations, world religions, mythology, military history, Egyptian and Greek history, Roman history, Celtic history. My desire is so ravenous...but...with this 'situation' regarding my health, that desire is now put on hold, at least as far as a structured school atmosphere/curriculum. I can still teach myself. I can still study on my own time.
I invested in a digital recorder yesterday. Forty bucks. 600 hours. I will learn to make notes from the books I study and how to transfer them, if possible, to CD's so I can listen to that information again and again, learn to apply it to my life, learn what happened centuries ago for us to be where we're at today. Greek civilization is one area of study that I feel very passionate about. I want to study Aristotle, Plato, Socrates. I want to study Sophocles' plays. I want to study the Egyptian pantheon and how that culture lived and worked and played. I have always been fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and writings.
I want to study military history, and "The Art of War". I want to learn...because in that learning, I can write better stories. "The Art of War" can be applied to life, how to deal with confrontation. I want to study the Hindu pantheon, to learn how other cultures think and believe. To love God and Love People, we need to understand those people. When Jesus said to "Love your neighbor", I'm sure we all know that he wasn't just speaking about the people next door or down the street, but those people across the ocean, who may have differing beliefs, but in whose beliefs there are nuggets of truth.
Understanding our fellow neighbors is the first step to loving them. Asking for Wisdom, for Sophia (Yes, Wisdom is feminine...dig it) to grace us with her attributes is a worthy and loving gesture. I want to LEARN!
When I thought all I was dealing with was the need for a hysterectomy, I had determined to go back to school once the surgery was over and I was healed. In my former post, I described Death being the teacher and I was the student. So, in a way, the Universe banded together and said, "Ta-da...you're in school." I accept that, so these other lessons, the ones I mentioned above, are the extra-curricular activities...the extra credit endeavors I plan on diving into.
Life is so fricken full of wondrous things to learn. Why in heaven's name are we not doing so? If I knew in high school what I know now, I would have hit the books harder, I would found teachers who were sincere in their desire to teach, I would have gone to college and pursued a degree in something...be it History, English, Education, or all of the above. Maybe even chemistry or health. This 'situation' may have put a halt to actually being in a literal classroom with other students sitting at desks with textbooks open, but I can go to a library, I can utilize the Internet, I can buy used books on Amazon, including textbooks, and I can teach myself.
Watching "Boy Meets World" last night, I felt that stirring to learn all over again and it was incredible! It's not work, it's a joy. Okay, the homework may be tough, the lessons sometimes might be difficult to understand, but it gives us something to discuss. My first book to study is entitled: "The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior." It's a novel, based on a true story. I'm anxious to get on it. I have Norse Mythology, Celtic Mythology, Greek, Egyptian and Roman mythology, I have opportunities to invest in textbooks on ancient civilizations...all this information at my fingertips, and the question remains...just what the heck am I going to do with all of this?
Simple. Crack open the books, read, and take notes. Study, study, study.
And for entertaining reading, I'll throw in some Shakespeare, The Iliad and the Odyssey. I'll be posting things here as they speak to me, quoting, analyzing. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to this. ;)
Rock on!
We paid the Revolutionary War lip service. Never studied the Civil War, never studied ancient civilizations, never studied other cultures. I look back at my school years with sorrow. Mostly for the lack of initiative, on my part as well as the part of the teachers. The teachers never had a passion for teaching. They searched high and low for a means to lip-service their way through the lessons. Not one teacher, with the exception of my music teacher, had any passion to teach.
So, where do I find the passion to learn? Recently? From watching "Boy Meets World". I kid you not! I've been watching the first two seasons of this show on DVD and heard a very wonderful description from William Daniels' character George Feeny about what education is really about. To learn to think for ourselves. Education is not about a bunch of memorized facts and dates, but about learning to analyze information and to acquire knowledge in the form of 'thinking'. I never really went to college, ( a few semesters, but they don't count) because my desire to learn was never really 'there'. It was never stirred in high school, never given birth. I never knew what I wanted to major in, never really searched my mind for a desire in what kind of career I wanted. Writing? Sure. I write stories, I love words, but back then in high school, it was not something I was encouraged to pursue. I was told it was a dream world and I needed to go the realistic route. Okay. If I couldn't write, I had absolutely no idea what else to do with my life. My desire to learn was stunted in high school.
Now, all I want to do is learn. I would LOVE to go back to school and study history, world civilizations, world religions, mythology, military history, Egyptian and Greek history, Roman history, Celtic history. My desire is so ravenous...but...with this 'situation' regarding my health, that desire is now put on hold, at least as far as a structured school atmosphere/curriculum. I can still teach myself. I can still study on my own time.
I invested in a digital recorder yesterday. Forty bucks. 600 hours. I will learn to make notes from the books I study and how to transfer them, if possible, to CD's so I can listen to that information again and again, learn to apply it to my life, learn what happened centuries ago for us to be where we're at today. Greek civilization is one area of study that I feel very passionate about. I want to study Aristotle, Plato, Socrates. I want to study Sophocles' plays. I want to study the Egyptian pantheon and how that culture lived and worked and played. I have always been fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and writings.
I want to study military history, and "The Art of War". I want to learn...because in that learning, I can write better stories. "The Art of War" can be applied to life, how to deal with confrontation. I want to study the Hindu pantheon, to learn how other cultures think and believe. To love God and Love People, we need to understand those people. When Jesus said to "Love your neighbor", I'm sure we all know that he wasn't just speaking about the people next door or down the street, but those people across the ocean, who may have differing beliefs, but in whose beliefs there are nuggets of truth.
Understanding our fellow neighbors is the first step to loving them. Asking for Wisdom, for Sophia (Yes, Wisdom is feminine...dig it) to grace us with her attributes is a worthy and loving gesture. I want to LEARN!
When I thought all I was dealing with was the need for a hysterectomy, I had determined to go back to school once the surgery was over and I was healed. In my former post, I described Death being the teacher and I was the student. So, in a way, the Universe banded together and said, "Ta-da...you're in school." I accept that, so these other lessons, the ones I mentioned above, are the extra-curricular activities...the extra credit endeavors I plan on diving into.
Life is so fricken full of wondrous things to learn. Why in heaven's name are we not doing so? If I knew in high school what I know now, I would have hit the books harder, I would found teachers who were sincere in their desire to teach, I would have gone to college and pursued a degree in something...be it History, English, Education, or all of the above. Maybe even chemistry or health. This 'situation' may have put a halt to actually being in a literal classroom with other students sitting at desks with textbooks open, but I can go to a library, I can utilize the Internet, I can buy used books on Amazon, including textbooks, and I can teach myself.
Watching "Boy Meets World" last night, I felt that stirring to learn all over again and it was incredible! It's not work, it's a joy. Okay, the homework may be tough, the lessons sometimes might be difficult to understand, but it gives us something to discuss. My first book to study is entitled: "The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior." It's a novel, based on a true story. I'm anxious to get on it. I have Norse Mythology, Celtic Mythology, Greek, Egyptian and Roman mythology, I have opportunities to invest in textbooks on ancient civilizations...all this information at my fingertips, and the question remains...just what the heck am I going to do with all of this?
Simple. Crack open the books, read, and take notes. Study, study, study.
And for entertaining reading, I'll throw in some Shakespeare, The Iliad and the Odyssey. I'll be posting things here as they speak to me, quoting, analyzing. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to this. ;)
Rock on!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
What I could lose, if I let Death take me now...
This isn't going to be a post based on religious or monotheistic beliefs...it's really more deeper than that, more a spiritual epiphany. I believe in God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, the Trinity, yes, but as I told my sister-in-law and friends, I don't box them in. I'm open to new ways of seeing spirituality, because I've seen miracles in my life this last year that have proven to me that God is bigger than our interpretations of Him. Much bigger. And the joy that comes from God comes from the discovery of how vast the Universe is and to know that God, who I believe is both masculine and feminine, a Mother-Father God, if you will, is in every aspect of that universe, every nook and cranny, every shaft of sun and moonlight, every wisp of cloud, every drop of rain, every breath we inhale and exhale, and every sound the universe makes, from the explosion of a dead world, to the explosion of a new one being born, from every cry of a newborn bird, to the song that bird makes when reaching adulthood.
God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)
So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.
What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.
When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.
To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.
Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.
I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)
Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.
Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)
Rock on!
God is everywhere, even in a smile from a complete stranger. My sister-in-law, Barbi, has a fantastically wonderful philosophy that if the world would just understand it, live it, we would all be happier. I love her for this: "Love God, Love People." Case closed. "Love God, Love People." How beautifully simple is that? But because it's so simple, we as sheep, cannot seem to grasp it on an individual level unless we abandon our boxed-in thinking. Unless we become, as she's become on her own blog: a little bratty black sheep. Rebels. Not rebels against God, the true creator of the Universe, but rebels against how man interprets God to the point of making Him more 'tradition' than, well, honest-to-God divinity. Of course, that spin on this is my own. I leave Barbi's conclusions about that to her. ;) (Love ya', Babs!)
So, with that being said from the start, allow me to depict what I believe this situation with my health taught me these last few weeks. My friend Julie and I talked on the phone last night. I explained how I'm not ready to leave this world, yet. Why I'm fighting so hard to defeat this attack on my health. You see, death...looking death in the eye...was a vision I had in 2005. He was sitting behind a teacher's desk, and I was seated in a student's chair. Death was the teacher. He and I locked eyes and for about 40 seconds I stared him down, telling myself never to look away, saying over and over, 'Don't be afraid, don't look away.' Finally he lowered his head and turned his back on me. He gave up. A friend of mine, when telling her this vision, said: "Death was the teacher?" I was floored. Death WAS the teacher. I...was the student. In this instance, my vision is playing out in the physical. And believe me, death has been teaching me many wonderful spiritual lessons that were I not in this situation, I probably would never be open to learning them.
What was it I learned this week? What I would lose if I left this world and returned to the spirit realm. I believe that in the spirit realm, heaven, the here-after, there is complete and utter peace and bliss. But...there is no challenge for us. What need would there be for challenge? We would be surrounded by all we crave for here on earth. Others can't wait to get to heaven, and I do understand why, because this world is so dark and full of things that get us to second-guess the beauty of living. So, okay, death stalks us...we all know we're going to die. I get that. I'm facing death in the eye now...right now. The classic stare-down is happening as I write this, as I fight with chemo drugs and visualization and prayer and positive thinking. Death may turn his back on us for this time, but there will come a time when Death will not turn his back on us.
When it comes time to depart and return home, I will have lost what I'm experiencing right now. We strive so hard for peace within our spirits. When I'm communing with the Universe (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my angels, my ancestors, this is what I am referring to when saying 'the Universe', I just group them all together), I 'feel' that bliss, that incredible and powerful love that latches onto me for a brief moment in time here in the physical.
Have you felt it? Do you know what I'm talking about? When you pray, and I mean really pray, when you open yourself to the communion of Mother-Father God, does it make you weep? Does it make you joyful, full of peace, bliss...all things that make us complete in spirit? This is what I'm talking about. Take a moment and remember what it feels like to experience it.
To die...would be to lose that experience in the physical. On the final episode to Supernatural season 5, a question was brought up to Dean by the angel Castiel: "What would you rather have? Peace...or freedom?" Julie made a comment that we can't have both. That freedom must be obtained through constant vigilance. In which case we lose our peace. But in obtaining peace, we lose our freedom. In the case of death...that is very true. In heaven there are no choices anymore. It's perfect, it's full of bliss and challenges are no longer necessary. We have peace. On earth...in this life we have freedom, but no peace. When I see the bad things happen in this world, yes it breaks my heart that loving God and loving people is a philosophy, a way of life, that few grasp and initiate in their lives. But then I commune with Mother-Father God and the beauty, the peace, the joy...the purity of their love becomes that much more incredible. Because I don't experience it 24/7. I know it's there, I believe it's there 24/7, but the actual experience of it is not.
Should I be the one to give up the stare-down, I'll lose those moments of bliss here in the physical. And, to be honest, I'm just not ready to let that go. I love it too much. It truly makes this life, in this crazy, mixed-up world...a beautiful experience.
I know some of you may disagree, and that's perfectly okay. Some are experiencing stage 4 cancer, the final stages of AIDS or other diseases, other physical ailments that are wearing them down to where death is a sweet release for them. For those, I say 24/7 bliss awaits you...don't be afraid to let go. (Please do not consider what I just said as condoning suicide...that, to me, is never an option. If you're still alive, there's a reason for your life. Always a reason.)
Me? I just can't let go. Not right now. I'm loving getting closer to God than I've ever been closer to her/him before. I love communing with the Holy Spirit on such an intimate level as to join hands and dance. Life is for experiencing these things. Life is to spread that joy to others...to Love God, and Love People. I would lose that if I give up.
Death is just going to have to bow his head and turn away. He can come back when I've got nothing left to learn in this life. I'm learning too much for him to send me home from school early. The bell hasn't rung yet. Okay, Teach...I'm ready for my next lesson. :)
Rock on!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Heart Scan results and not giving up...
The heart scan doc wanted me to take showed positive for damage, so she's taken me completely off the chemo drugs for 6 weeks. She said that the heart can heal, so I'm thinking positive in that area while at the same time, continuing to envision the tumor shrinking...without the chemo. :) Yes! I believe in miracles and that medical drugs are not the ONLY way to fight this thing. The power of faith and the mind, the spirit, the soul, the entirety of who we are as living beings can work against negative cowardly diseases and push them back into nothing...making them disappear. Cancer is a bully...plain and simple. When you face a bully head-on, fight back, get in their faces, they shrink away and nurse their wounds. Once they realize they can't control you, they go into 'ignore' mode. Cancer is a bully, it's a coward...it attacks unseen, thinking it can get the upper hand. I say phooey on that! We *can* have doubts about fighting it, that's normal, but we can also find uplifting ways to be able to pump us up and get us back into the ring. No way am I throwing in the towel. The damage to the heart was not unexpected. When first starting these drugs, the doctor informed me that they could affect the heart. Okay. That's just God, the Universe, telling me to take a step back and let THEM take care of it, both the heart and the cancer. My angels, God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, even my ancestors...I feel my grandma and papa with me so close and offering their support. It's not a step back...it's a means to re-energize in order to get back into the game and continue going to the next level.
It's gonna be okay. It IS okay.
My only concern? Now that I have my appetite back in full swing, I'm concerned about gaining back the weight I lost. LOL! I actually like being between 145-150 pounds, even though I got here mostly by the chemo killing my appetite. (I'd lost 40 pounds before being diagnosed with cancer.) It's a far cry from the 239 I was over a year ago. Stocking up on fruits and veggies and whole grains, omega-3 eggs and spinach, oatmeal, nuts and all sorts of yogurt. I can maintain this weight for 6 weeks. You betcha!
Rock on!
It's gonna be okay. It IS okay.
My only concern? Now that I have my appetite back in full swing, I'm concerned about gaining back the weight I lost. LOL! I actually like being between 145-150 pounds, even though I got here mostly by the chemo killing my appetite. (I'd lost 40 pounds before being diagnosed with cancer.) It's a far cry from the 239 I was over a year ago. Stocking up on fruits and veggies and whole grains, omega-3 eggs and spinach, oatmeal, nuts and all sorts of yogurt. I can maintain this weight for 6 weeks. You betcha!
Rock on!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Miracles at the beginning: Part 2 - The support of Strangers
When facing this situation at the beginning, and even more-so throughout, I began to see little things happen that most people take for granted. A smile, a kind word, parking spaces opening up for you without having to wait, elevator doors opening up for you without you even having to lift a finger to push the button. One particular miracle happened while waiting for my turn in the Radiation department. I sat beside an African-American man, truly from Africa, accent and all. I smiled, he smiled. Asked me how I was doing, I replied, a gesture of a fist showing determination, "I'm doing great. You?" He said, "I'm doing great." I asked him; "You're fighting the fight?" He lifted his fist, determined. "I'm fighting the fight. You?" I thrust my fist up and smiled. "Oh, yes!" We each had a round flash buzzer, that lights up and sends off a buzz when it's our turn. His immediately went off. I pointed to his when it went off and said, "It's your turn!" He smiled and said; "I knew you sitting beside me would be good luck." I grinned and replied; "Keep fighting." "You, too."
We saw each other again the next day. "Are you still fighting?" he asked. I said, fist in the air, "Still fighting!" We smiled at each other and separated to go into our chambers.
With scarf on the head and yellow band for cancer on my wrist, people know what's happening to me. They smile. One woman not two weeks ago walked by me and said, "You go, Girl."
My sister-in-law reminded me, as well as a magazine article about 9/11, of which the 9th anniversary was commemorated just a few days ago, that we shouldn't be remembering the tragedy. The victims and their families, yes, but we should not be commemorating the tragedy, that dark day in our history...we should be remembering the days after the tragedy when countries from around the world stood with us in support, total strangers. We should be remembering how our country pulled together, the acts of love and support from stranger to stranger.
When you're out and about today, and you catch a stranger's eye...smile and let them know we are as one. Don't let something tragic happen to you or those around you to bring these words to life and meaning: "Love your neighbor." I know that sounds preachy and if so, I'm very sorry, but in beating this 'situation', which my friends and I call it (I'm learning not to say I'm fighting cancer, I'm learning to say, I'm beating this situation), I've learned that life is too short, too precious to squander away an opportunity to embrace it to its fullest, and the way to do that is to LOVE. It will not only probably make the stranger feel good that a person bothered to acknowledge them in this world, but it will DEFINITELY make YOU feel good doing it. It's a win-win anyway you look at it. :)
Rock on!
We saw each other again the next day. "Are you still fighting?" he asked. I said, fist in the air, "Still fighting!" We smiled at each other and separated to go into our chambers.
With scarf on the head and yellow band for cancer on my wrist, people know what's happening to me. They smile. One woman not two weeks ago walked by me and said, "You go, Girl."
My sister-in-law reminded me, as well as a magazine article about 9/11, of which the 9th anniversary was commemorated just a few days ago, that we shouldn't be remembering the tragedy. The victims and their families, yes, but we should not be commemorating the tragedy, that dark day in our history...we should be remembering the days after the tragedy when countries from around the world stood with us in support, total strangers. We should be remembering how our country pulled together, the acts of love and support from stranger to stranger.
When you're out and about today, and you catch a stranger's eye...smile and let them know we are as one. Don't let something tragic happen to you or those around you to bring these words to life and meaning: "Love your neighbor." I know that sounds preachy and if so, I'm very sorry, but in beating this 'situation', which my friends and I call it (I'm learning not to say I'm fighting cancer, I'm learning to say, I'm beating this situation), I've learned that life is too short, too precious to squander away an opportunity to embrace it to its fullest, and the way to do that is to LOVE. It will not only probably make the stranger feel good that a person bothered to acknowledge them in this world, but it will DEFINITELY make YOU feel good doing it. It's a win-win anyway you look at it. :)
Rock on!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Miracles at the beginning of this fight Part 1
When I first began treatment, I had two cycles of chemo when my doctor wanted me to start radiation treatment. I began radiation on March 8th, 2010. I was scheduled for two weeks. So many things happened during this time, it's difficult to pinpoint where to begin sharing. The tumor is in the pelvic area, above the vagina, right where the tumor was located in the uterus, lower left pelvic region, spreading to the middle. The radiation was centered there. The treatments only lasted about 5 minutes, but after a few days I began to get ill. Diarrhea, vomiting. My friend, Carmen, offered to bring me to her house to watch 'Duran Duran - Live From London' one night. We are both Duran Duran fans and I was so wanting to do this with her. My mom was staying with me so she was there when I had a vomiting episode minutes before Carmen showed up. When she did arrive she said she would take care of me, and I was determined to do this thing. Mom saw my face before I left, fighting off the nausea. I went off and forgot my ginger-ale. Carmen, bless her heart, sent her husband to go get me some, which, bless his heart, he did without any hesitation. We put the DVD in, and Carmen's sister showed up and the three of us had a wonderful time. I laid on the couch, my feet hanging over Carmen's lap. We sang, waved our arms, really had a wonderful time.
When I came home that night, I was smiling. Mom looked at me and said, "You need music. The difference in your face is like night and day." I said, "I have a CD player around here I can use, but I just need to find it." She commented heavily on how the music had worked to pick me up out of the pit. The next day, my friend Jim came over and talked to me about what I needed to do to put my mind in the framework of fighting the cancer. He guided me on a meditation and knew about my love of Led Zeppelin, asking me about the guitar solo for me to call up in my mind as a means of attacking the tumor. Afterwards, he said, "You're full of knowledge and desire, but where's your heart?" I said, "I would have to say my heart is really in the music I listen to." He said, "Then that's what you need to do, surround yourself with music." He had not spoken to my mom about this. In 24 hours I got two similar messages...use music.
The next week I had more radiation. I got so sick when I came home one night from that days' treatment that when I was done vomiting I laid on my bed. My mom put a cool cloth to my face and threw my CD player next to me with the earphones. "Turn your music on!" she commanded. Zeppelin's "The Song Remains The Same" disc 1 was inside. I hooked up and Mom said that within just a few minutes, my face relaxed, and the trauma began to subside. It did. Jimmy's guitar playing, Robert's voice, the drums, the bass and keyboards...all of it took me away from the bad.
Later that week, I went out and invested in an MP3 player, which I use constantly. Both Duran Duran and Led Zeppelin are on there, as well as other groups and singers. And it's true...music heals...the spirit, the body. Think about what groups you like to listen to and determine which ones really pull you out of whatever doldrums or crises you find yourself in...what do these musicians and singers do for you to lift your spirits? Is it the lyrics, the voice, the background instrumentation, the melodies? All of the above? You may be surprised at what music really does for you. I never knew until I started going through this, how wonderful it is to let the music take us away from what is bringing us down. Oh, I had an inkling, sure. Led Zeppelin has always moved me in ways that is hard to explain, but to really bring joy in the midst of battling cancer...no words can really give that experience justice. :)
Rock on!
(Stay tuned for Miracles Part 2-the support of strangers.) ::grin::
When I came home that night, I was smiling. Mom looked at me and said, "You need music. The difference in your face is like night and day." I said, "I have a CD player around here I can use, but I just need to find it." She commented heavily on how the music had worked to pick me up out of the pit. The next day, my friend Jim came over and talked to me about what I needed to do to put my mind in the framework of fighting the cancer. He guided me on a meditation and knew about my love of Led Zeppelin, asking me about the guitar solo for me to call up in my mind as a means of attacking the tumor. Afterwards, he said, "You're full of knowledge and desire, but where's your heart?" I said, "I would have to say my heart is really in the music I listen to." He said, "Then that's what you need to do, surround yourself with music." He had not spoken to my mom about this. In 24 hours I got two similar messages...use music.
The next week I had more radiation. I got so sick when I came home one night from that days' treatment that when I was done vomiting I laid on my bed. My mom put a cool cloth to my face and threw my CD player next to me with the earphones. "Turn your music on!" she commanded. Zeppelin's "The Song Remains The Same" disc 1 was inside. I hooked up and Mom said that within just a few minutes, my face relaxed, and the trauma began to subside. It did. Jimmy's guitar playing, Robert's voice, the drums, the bass and keyboards...all of it took me away from the bad.
Later that week, I went out and invested in an MP3 player, which I use constantly. Both Duran Duran and Led Zeppelin are on there, as well as other groups and singers. And it's true...music heals...the spirit, the body. Think about what groups you like to listen to and determine which ones really pull you out of whatever doldrums or crises you find yourself in...what do these musicians and singers do for you to lift your spirits? Is it the lyrics, the voice, the background instrumentation, the melodies? All of the above? You may be surprised at what music really does for you. I never knew until I started going through this, how wonderful it is to let the music take us away from what is bringing us down. Oh, I had an inkling, sure. Led Zeppelin has always moved me in ways that is hard to explain, but to really bring joy in the midst of battling cancer...no words can really give that experience justice. :)
Rock on!
(Stay tuned for Miracles Part 2-the support of strangers.) ::grin::
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Reprieve!
Vance and Barbi came down Thursday night to be with me for the next morning's chemo treatment. I was psyching myself out, telling myself, "It's only for 5 hours. Just five hours out of your life to help save your life." (My sister's words echoed in my brain: "Do you have anything better to do with your life other than to save it?") Vance and Barbi were there, I had the support...I was ready.
My doctor came in. She told me that with these drugs, I had gone through 6 cycles. "I can probably push it with one more, but I really don't want to do that." The drugs affect the heart, could cause heart failure. She said she wanted to try something different. I would have to have a heart scan to determine the correct dosage, but that I could go on a chemo pill, instead of using the intravenous method. She told me to drink 2 ounces of Aloe Vera juice, and to eat a half can of asperagus with the juice a day. She wanted me to do Yoga. She wanted to see me in 5 weeks. She said she believed in miracles, the power of the mind. She told me; "I don't want you to think about the cancer right now. I want you to start living your life as normally as you can." She asked about how going back to work was working for me. I told her that it had done wonders for me (mentally and emotionally, it was the best thing I could have done for myself to get me out of depression. The walls had started closing in and I needed to break out of the darkness that threatened to eat me alive.) I asked her, "So, no chemo today?" She shook her head. I about cried right then. I wrote down her instructions, looked up from my notebook and said, "We're going to beat this, aren't we, Doc?" She smiled and nodded. "We're going to beat this." We hugged.
The joy of sharing that moment with my brother and sister-in-love was wonderful! I walked out of there, tears, smiles...joy! Barbi said it was like Christmas. Vance said, "It IS like Christmas." We went to Starbucks, Best Buy to pick up a Magick Bullet set, went to visit my friend Carmen at her work to give the news to her face-to-face. I called Marla, went home called all I could think of. Vance needed to go home, Barbi said she would stay with me this weekend, even though without the chemo treatment there was no need, but I really am glad she stayed, we've had such a great day today. Starting up this blog, sharing, talking, bonding! It's been a joy to have her here. Tomorrow we go food shopping to keep me on 'staying' healthy. I am of the belief that I am healed, whole and complete...just waiting for my body to catch up to my spirit. :)
Life is good!
My doctor came in. She told me that with these drugs, I had gone through 6 cycles. "I can probably push it with one more, but I really don't want to do that." The drugs affect the heart, could cause heart failure. She said she wanted to try something different. I would have to have a heart scan to determine the correct dosage, but that I could go on a chemo pill, instead of using the intravenous method. She told me to drink 2 ounces of Aloe Vera juice, and to eat a half can of asperagus with the juice a day. She wanted me to do Yoga. She wanted to see me in 5 weeks. She said she believed in miracles, the power of the mind. She told me; "I don't want you to think about the cancer right now. I want you to start living your life as normally as you can." She asked about how going back to work was working for me. I told her that it had done wonders for me (mentally and emotionally, it was the best thing I could have done for myself to get me out of depression. The walls had started closing in and I needed to break out of the darkness that threatened to eat me alive.) I asked her, "So, no chemo today?" She shook her head. I about cried right then. I wrote down her instructions, looked up from my notebook and said, "We're going to beat this, aren't we, Doc?" She smiled and nodded. "We're going to beat this." We hugged.
The joy of sharing that moment with my brother and sister-in-love was wonderful! I walked out of there, tears, smiles...joy! Barbi said it was like Christmas. Vance said, "It IS like Christmas." We went to Starbucks, Best Buy to pick up a Magick Bullet set, went to visit my friend Carmen at her work to give the news to her face-to-face. I called Marla, went home called all I could think of. Vance needed to go home, Barbi said she would stay with me this weekend, even though without the chemo treatment there was no need, but I really am glad she stayed, we've had such a great day today. Starting up this blog, sharing, talking, bonding! It's been a joy to have her here. Tomorrow we go food shopping to keep me on 'staying' healthy. I am of the belief that I am healed, whole and complete...just waiting for my body to catch up to my spirit. :)
Life is good!
Entry posted on Facebook August 16, 2010
(Recorded after family came down to be with me and my niece, Brianna, and I had a wonderful talk that night after she arrived. See entry entitled 'September 9th')
In this fight against cancer, I use music. Especially Led Zeppelin. For the last few weeks, dealing with searching out disability options, getting severely depressed at how little help there is for me out there regarding such options, I put listening to music on hold. I shouldn't have done that. I realize even more how much music is a weapon, especially the guitar playing of one Jimmy Page. There's something about his playing that stirs my spirit, moves me to heights I can't explain. Yesterday I spoke to my mom of the possibility of dying. The depression has been like an enemy crouching in the shadows swiping at my legs should I get too close, causing major stumbling in this fight. A need to retreat, regroup, gather bearings and get a better perspective of strategy. I got depressed again yesterday, wondering what this 'incurable' talk was all about. I've lived a good life, but far from long enough. I'm really enjoying my life, especially the last few years, just reaching out and enjoying it. Now this has happened and it's a threat to my happiness, not just my life.
Enter music. I went home from lunch, Mom was with me. I have no satellite dish or cable, so all I have to watch are DVD's. I needed some Zeppelin, so I put on "The Song Remains The Same" and the Zeppelin DVD's that Jimmy Page released back in 2003. As I laid on my little hide-away bed in the living room, Mom sat in the chair beside me, reading her book and watching every once in a while as Jimmy plucked his guitar and made 'noise', but such beautiful noise. Full of life from his own soul. I immersed myself in the journey he took me on and began to 'feel' that joy within. Mom fell asleep, turning her hearing aids off. I indulged in the music. This time the tears shed were of joy, not depression. I needed to get back into the positive angle of this fight, pushing off the depression that seemed to gnaw at me for the last few weeks. I think going back to work is part of that positive strategy. I need to get the heck out of this cubby hole and back into my life. To live like there IS a tomorrow. I know this all sounds very Hall-markish, Pollyana, what have you, but I really was able to touch that positive side of things again. Then, in the performance Zeppelin gave in 1970 at the Royal Albert Hall, Robert Plant clapped his hands and told the audience: "I want you to think about the good things in life." A few minutes later, my brother and his family pulled in from Bakersfield to help me through today's chemo treatment.
I got the message. I felt better, and started thanking God for my healing. And I really 'felt' it, the joy of knowing that I 'can' and 'will' be healed. Sometimes we say the positive, hoping that it will work out. Last night, I said the positive 'knowing' it will work out and is already on its way...I just need to 'think about the good things in life' and put my boys on to play when that depression tries to raise its ugly head again. I was stupid for not putting them on at the beginning of this encounter with depression. I'm taking my MP3 player with me today and listening to them. I'm bringing a book on building up vocabulary to keep my mind going. I've got my brother and sister-in-law, my niece, nephew and mom to help as well. I've got friends and family living far away, and close by, who are with me in spirit. I've got many 'good things in life'. I just need to focus on them.
Pagey is taking his guitar fret board and, in my mind, using it as a sword to battle off the tumor. The one main guitar solo I apply to that visualization is "Achilles Last Stand". When they hook up the IV to start the treatment today, I'll start off with that song.
With my family and friends so close, the good things in life all boil down to the love that can surround us in dark times. I told my niece that last night. There's such love around me that I haven't experienced in my entire life, because it's all there to help with the fight. "The good things in life" are just that...'good'. Simple teachings, but so very difficult to maintain when you're facing death. My mom has a lung disease that is slowly eating away her life, and she told me that she's been facing death for so long, it doesn't bother her anymore. That I'm just now facing death and it's something I've never really had to think about before. Hence the depression.
But it's going to be okay. All of it. The good things in life were hidden from me for a few weeks, because I got tripped up and couldn't see beyond the ground I stumbled onto. I'm back on my feet now and in spite of dealing with a chemo treatment today, it's going to be a good day.
:)
Rock on.
In this fight against cancer, I use music. Especially Led Zeppelin. For the last few weeks, dealing with searching out disability options, getting severely depressed at how little help there is for me out there regarding such options, I put listening to music on hold. I shouldn't have done that. I realize even more how much music is a weapon, especially the guitar playing of one Jimmy Page. There's something about his playing that stirs my spirit, moves me to heights I can't explain. Yesterday I spoke to my mom of the possibility of dying. The depression has been like an enemy crouching in the shadows swiping at my legs should I get too close, causing major stumbling in this fight. A need to retreat, regroup, gather bearings and get a better perspective of strategy. I got depressed again yesterday, wondering what this 'incurable' talk was all about. I've lived a good life, but far from long enough. I'm really enjoying my life, especially the last few years, just reaching out and enjoying it. Now this has happened and it's a threat to my happiness, not just my life.
Enter music. I went home from lunch, Mom was with me. I have no satellite dish or cable, so all I have to watch are DVD's. I needed some Zeppelin, so I put on "The Song Remains The Same" and the Zeppelin DVD's that Jimmy Page released back in 2003. As I laid on my little hide-away bed in the living room, Mom sat in the chair beside me, reading her book and watching every once in a while as Jimmy plucked his guitar and made 'noise', but such beautiful noise. Full of life from his own soul. I immersed myself in the journey he took me on and began to 'feel' that joy within. Mom fell asleep, turning her hearing aids off. I indulged in the music. This time the tears shed were of joy, not depression. I needed to get back into the positive angle of this fight, pushing off the depression that seemed to gnaw at me for the last few weeks. I think going back to work is part of that positive strategy. I need to get the heck out of this cubby hole and back into my life. To live like there IS a tomorrow. I know this all sounds very Hall-markish, Pollyana, what have you, but I really was able to touch that positive side of things again. Then, in the performance Zeppelin gave in 1970 at the Royal Albert Hall, Robert Plant clapped his hands and told the audience: "I want you to think about the good things in life." A few minutes later, my brother and his family pulled in from Bakersfield to help me through today's chemo treatment.
I got the message. I felt better, and started thanking God for my healing. And I really 'felt' it, the joy of knowing that I 'can' and 'will' be healed. Sometimes we say the positive, hoping that it will work out. Last night, I said the positive 'knowing' it will work out and is already on its way...I just need to 'think about the good things in life' and put my boys on to play when that depression tries to raise its ugly head again. I was stupid for not putting them on at the beginning of this encounter with depression. I'm taking my MP3 player with me today and listening to them. I'm bringing a book on building up vocabulary to keep my mind going. I've got my brother and sister-in-law, my niece, nephew and mom to help as well. I've got friends and family living far away, and close by, who are with me in spirit. I've got many 'good things in life'. I just need to focus on them.
Pagey is taking his guitar fret board and, in my mind, using it as a sword to battle off the tumor. The one main guitar solo I apply to that visualization is "Achilles Last Stand". When they hook up the IV to start the treatment today, I'll start off with that song.
With my family and friends so close, the good things in life all boil down to the love that can surround us in dark times. I told my niece that last night. There's such love around me that I haven't experienced in my entire life, because it's all there to help with the fight. "The good things in life" are just that...'good'. Simple teachings, but so very difficult to maintain when you're facing death. My mom has a lung disease that is slowly eating away her life, and she told me that she's been facing death for so long, it doesn't bother her anymore. That I'm just now facing death and it's something I've never really had to think about before. Hence the depression.
But it's going to be okay. All of it. The good things in life were hidden from me for a few weeks, because I got tripped up and couldn't see beyond the ground I stumbled onto. I'm back on my feet now and in spite of dealing with a chemo treatment today, it's going to be a good day.
:)
Rock on.
From paper notebook: September 9th, 2010
At work we listen to a classic rock station called "The Sound", they play only vinyl albums. It was triple play Thursday, where they play 3 songs from each group or singer throughout the day. One set was The Beatles. The last chemo treatment I had, my brother, Vance, my sister-in-love, Barbi, my niece, Brianna, and my nephew Brad all came down to stay with me for the treatment. I was feeling rather down that day (details to be given in another post, originally published on my Facebook page), anyway, when talking to my niece Brianna that night, explaining to her what I had experienced earlier that day and what I had discovered just before they called to say they had arrived, she said: "That Beatles song applies here: "All you need is love."" We laughed! It was true!
Today they played that song, just as I was thinking about the chemo treatment due tomorrow. Five hours in a chemo chair, getting sick while it's happening, is something you just naturally learn to dread...with a passion. The song played and I remembered Brianna's words, that special night my family was with me before heading out that next morning for that dreaded intravenous monster. I called Brianna immediately to share, that even though I knew she could not be with me for 'this' treatment, she was still with me in spirit. Another tap on the shoulder from God saying, "I'm with you. Hang in there."
I love my family!
Today they played that song, just as I was thinking about the chemo treatment due tomorrow. Five hours in a chemo chair, getting sick while it's happening, is something you just naturally learn to dread...with a passion. The song played and I remembered Brianna's words, that special night my family was with me before heading out that next morning for that dreaded intravenous monster. I called Brianna immediately to share, that even though I knew she could not be with me for 'this' treatment, she was still with me in spirit. Another tap on the shoulder from God saying, "I'm with you. Hang in there."
I love my family!
From paper notebook: Sept. 8, 2010, when I thought I would be having another chemo treatment...
Brianna's birthday is today. She turns 20 years old. My niece. Amazing how fast the time has gone!.
Drizzling today, nice and cool. Can't wait for fall and winter to get here. :)
I have another chemo treatment on Friday. Vance and Barbi coming down tomorrow night to be with me on this journey. The only thing that makes it bearable is for my family to be here. I truly believe that without the love of friends and family I would give up. There would be no reason to hang on. So much to hang onto this life for. Vance, Barbi, Brianna and Brad, Julie, Shelly, my kitty (Strypurr...aka: Bubboo), Carmen, my mom, my sister Marla, many others...life is so full of things and people we take for granted every day. This disease is pissing me off! How dare it try to sneak in like the coward it is and try to steal my life? How dare this disease think it will win? I am so PISSED OFF at this situation. The anger, in this case, is a powerful weapon. Sometimes I need that anger to show me how much power over this situation I really have. I have a life to live and I INTEND TO LIVE IT! It's like my friend, Jim, said: "You can't just 'want' to live...you have to 'intend' to stay." Well, my intention, road-to-hell-paved-with or not, is to LIVE, LIVE LIVE! Stamp this package of cancer: "Rejected - Return to Sender", thank you very much. :)
Drizzling today, nice and cool. Can't wait for fall and winter to get here. :)
I have another chemo treatment on Friday. Vance and Barbi coming down tomorrow night to be with me on this journey. The only thing that makes it bearable is for my family to be here. I truly believe that without the love of friends and family I would give up. There would be no reason to hang on. So much to hang onto this life for. Vance, Barbi, Brianna and Brad, Julie, Shelly, my kitty (Strypurr...aka: Bubboo), Carmen, my mom, my sister Marla, many others...life is so full of things and people we take for granted every day. This disease is pissing me off! How dare it try to sneak in like the coward it is and try to steal my life? How dare this disease think it will win? I am so PISSED OFF at this situation. The anger, in this case, is a powerful weapon. Sometimes I need that anger to show me how much power over this situation I really have. I have a life to live and I INTEND TO LIVE IT! It's like my friend, Jim, said: "You can't just 'want' to live...you have to 'intend' to stay." Well, my intention, road-to-hell-paved-with or not, is to LIVE, LIVE LIVE! Stamp this package of cancer: "Rejected - Return to Sender", thank you very much. :)
A journaling from my paper notebook: September 7, 2010
Asked Julie last night to help me with meditation, to envision the tumor literally disappearing inside golden light (her idea). She and I bonded a great deal over this Labor Day weekend. She's into a group called "The 69 Eyes" (from Finland), and we shared pics and videos on YouTube, had a great time just losing ourselves in FUN. She has the "Eyes" and I have "Led Zeppelin" Life, especially with musical inspiration, is good!
Achilles Last Stand
This song I use to visualize Jimmy's guitar solo attacking my tumor. Not only do the notes sound aggressive for such a task, but I also envision the fret board of his guitar being used as a type of sword, stabbing the tumor, demolishing it! When asked what I thought was the most angry guitar solo Jimmy had ever done, I could not come up with one, but I could come up with what I thought was his most passionate. The man who led me in a guided meditation told me to call up the solo from "Achilles Last Stand" and envision the notes destroying the tumor. By also envisioning the fret board scenario, I took the visualization one step further. :)
It was an April morning when they told us we should go
As I turn to you, you smiled at me
How could we say no?
With all the fun to have, to live the dreams we always had
Oh, the songs to sing, when we at last return again
Sending off a glancing kiss, to those who claim they know
Below the streets that steam and hiss,
The devil's in his hole
Oh to sail away, To sandy lands and other days
Oh to touch the dream, Hides inside and never seen.
Into the sun the south the north, at last the birds have flown
The shackles of commitment fell, In pieces on the ground
Oh to ride the wind, To tread the air above the din
Oh to laugh aloud, Dancing as we fought the crowd
To seek the man whose pointing hand, The giant step unfolds
With guidance from the curving path, That churns up into stone
If one bell should ring, in celebration for a king
So fast the heart should beat, As proud the head with heavy feet.
Days went by when you and I, bathed in eternal summers glow
As far away and distant, Our mutual child did grow
Oh the sweet refrain, Soothes the soul and calms the pain
Oh Albion remains, sleeping now to rise again
Wandering & wandering, What place to rest the search
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
From the earth...
I know the way, know the way, know the way, know the way (X2)
Oh the mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth.
It was an April morning when they told us we should go
As I turn to you, you smiled at me
How could we say no?
With all the fun to have, to live the dreams we always had
Oh, the songs to sing, when we at last return again
Sending off a glancing kiss, to those who claim they know
Below the streets that steam and hiss,
The devil's in his hole
Oh to sail away, To sandy lands and other days
Oh to touch the dream, Hides inside and never seen.
Into the sun the south the north, at last the birds have flown
The shackles of commitment fell, In pieces on the ground
Oh to ride the wind, To tread the air above the din
Oh to laugh aloud, Dancing as we fought the crowd
To seek the man whose pointing hand, The giant step unfolds
With guidance from the curving path, That churns up into stone
If one bell should ring, in celebration for a king
So fast the heart should beat, As proud the head with heavy feet.
Days went by when you and I, bathed in eternal summers glow
As far away and distant, Our mutual child did grow
Oh the sweet refrain, Soothes the soul and calms the pain
Oh Albion remains, sleeping now to rise again
Wandering & wandering, What place to rest the search
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
From the earth...
I know the way, know the way, know the way, know the way (X2)
Oh the mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth.
My first entry!
Just to say hello to those who stumbled their way, or perhaps were led, here. :)
Welcome!
Welcome!
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